Santa Claus: The Movie (1985) - Video Rental Chicken Fat *Christmas Edition*

"A prophesy has come to pass that there would come to us a chosen one, and that he, having no child of his own, would love all children." 

Director

Jeannot Szwarc

Cast

David Huddleston - Claus/ Santa Claus

Judy Cornwell - Anya

Dudley Moore - Patch

John Lithgow - B.Z.

Carrie Kei Heim - Cornelia

Christian Fitzpatrick - Joe

Burgess Meredith - The Ancient Elf

John Barrard - Dooley

In the catalog of well established Christmas movies, many of them are considered mandatory holiday viewing. Every decade has a Christmas title that has stuck around year after year after year - It's a Wonderful Life (1946), Miracle of 34th Street (1947), White Christmas (1954), Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964), A Charlie Brown Christmas (1965), Santa Claus is Coming to Town (1970), A Christmas Story (1983), Home Alone (1990), Elf (2003), The Polar Express (2004)… the list goes on. And there are several hugely popular titles I didn't mention, which some Christmas fanatics out there will give me a scornful look for not including. Oh, and I'm not forgetting the number of film adaptations of Charlie Dickins's A Christmas Carol. My personal favorites are the 1951 version with Alastair Sim, and the 1984 one with George C. Scott. 

A lot of people fondly remember a lot of movies around the holidays. But aside from lesser known Christmas movies like, say, Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964) or Santa Claus vs. The Devil (1959) - yeah, those exist - there's one movie I just never hear anyone talk about at all, let alone claim as a personal holiday season favorite. That's Santa Claus: The Movie from 1985. I used to see copies of this movie on the video rental shelf back in day. And I was curious back then to see what Santa Claus's own movie was all about. I never did, though, until last night. I found it streaming on Peacock.

The movie begins in a small village centuries ago as villagers await the arrival of their beloved carpenter who will deliver gifts to the local children. 

That woodcutter, Claus (David Huddleston - The Big Lebowski), does arrive. As he hands out gifts to the children, Claus receives a happiness at seeing their joy. 

He and his wife, Anya (Judy Cromwell), need to leave to deliver more gifts to the children in the village at the other end of the forest.

Despite a brutal blizzard, Claus and Anya harness their reindeer, Donner and Blitzen, to travel through the forest.

In the middle of their journey, Donner and Blitzen collapse with exhaustion. Santa and his wife are stuck. They huddle together to keep warm.

A celestial light falls upon them. They wake up and are rescued by a band of elves who take them to their magic toy shop in the North Pole which can only be seen by a chosen few. 

These elves have evidently long awaited this meeting with Claus. In fact, Dooley the head elf (John Barrard) reveals Claus's coming was prophesied long ago. 

After they're shown around the elves's toy shop, it's revealed Claus will stay indefinitely and live forever. 

David Huddleston as Santa Claus in Santa Claus: The Movie.

Later, Santa is presented to the ancient elf (Burgess Meredith) who claims the prophesy to be fulfilled. He grants Claus control of time on every Christmas Eve night so he can deliver gifts to all the children in the world. He dubs him "Santa Claus" and gives the magical gift of flight to the reindeer. The other reindeer that famously drive Santa's sleigh were already living with the elves.  

So, Santa delivers presents every Christmas for centuries. His lore among the world develops into what we know him to be today. Th elves even read him A Visit from St. Nicholas by Clement Moore which gives Santa insight into how the world see's him - a jolly old elf whose belly shakes like a bowl of jelly when he laughs. 

As the 1980s roll around, Santa is feeling overworked. Also, the world loves material possessions, such as toys for instance, to the point where the act of giving has waned considerably. This is becoming burdensome for the jolly old fat man. 

Anya recommends he make one of the elves his assistant to help lighten the load. 

One of the elves, Puffy (Anthony O'Donnell) is more traditional when it comes to manufacturing toys. Another elf, Patch (Dudley Moore) is more progressive in that he wants to update the toy-making process.

Santa chooses Patch to be his assistant after the two elves compete for this assistant position. 

Meanwhile, on the streets of New York City, a young orphan girl named Cornelia (Carrie Kei Heim), who's living with a wealthy family, befriends a homeless orphan boy named Joe (Christian Fitzpatrick) by giving him food and letting him sleep in the basement of her family's large house. 

On one particular Christmas Eve, Santa encounters Joe alone on the street and befriends him. He lets Joe ride in his sleigh, and even take the reins.

They happen to stop at Cornelia's house, and Santa takes Joe down the chimney with him. 
Cornelia wakes up and finds Santa and Joe in her living room. She's overjoyed, of course. And this chance encounter solidifies her friendship with Joe. 

Meanwhile, back at the North Pole, Patch's machines produce faulty and poorly constructed toys. Evidently, when these toys break while children are playing with them, they somehow return to his workshop by coming down his chimney. 

Distraught and crestfallen at the number of returned toys, Santa has to fire Patch. But before he can do so, Patch gives up his position to Puffy. 

Thinking Santa is too disappointed to want him around, Patch runs away and heads to New York. 

There, he sees a commercial for the B.Z. Toy Company. The company, headed by greedy businessman B.Z. (John Lithgow), is in hot water and in the middle of congressional hearings for manufacturing dangerous toys. 

Patch goes to visit B.Z. hoping he can land a toy-making job that will somehow catch Santa's attention and redeem himself. 

After some persuading, B.Z. hires Patch. The elf's idea is to create a lollipop that gives people the magic power of flight. Patch creates a flying vehicle, similiar to Santa's sleigh, to deliver these lollipops to all children everywhere on Christmas Eve. 

The lollipop is a huge hit. This gives B.Z. the idea to implement "Christmas 2" in March so more revenue can come into his toy company, and he can continue improving his public image. During Christmas 2, Patch will deliver magical candy canes instead of lollipops. 

Dudley Moore as "Patch the Elf."

B.Z. also happens to be Cornelia's step-uncle. However, the candy canes end up being faulty, too. When they get hot, they explode.

One evening when she invites Joe to take shelter in her basement as there's a rainstorm outside, she and Joe overhear B.Z. talking to his assistant about his plan to end Santa's reign of gift giving and take over Christmas. 

B.Z. catches Joe in the basement, and hides him back in his toy factory. Now, it's up to Cornelia, Santa, and Patch to make everything right and save Christmas. 

Santa Claus: The Movie starts as an origin story, and carries on portraying Santa doing what everyone on Earth knows Santa does - makes toys and deliver them to kids on Christmas. Midway, the movie seems to realize it needs a plot before it completely looses the audiences' interest and attention.

This is an easy movie to make fun of as it easily dives into being campy and overly whimsical. But I want to be fair rather than simply poke fun at it.

The movie addresses aspects of Santa Claus that children wonder about such as how his sleigh is able to fly, how he can visit so many homes around the world in one night, and how he goes up and down chimneys. 

However, a few plot points are unclear. For instance, Claus, Anya, and their reindeer are stuck in the blizzard unconscious when the elves find them. And when they do, a heavenly light shines upon them, from which the elves appear. So, are Claus and everyone else dead? The way the scene plays out gives that impression.

After they rescue them and bring them back to the toy workshop, Claus asks Dooley what the elves plan on doing with all the toys they've made. 

Dooley says their toys have been waiting for him.
"What've they got to do with me?" Claus says.

"You're going to give them...to your children. You have all the children of the world." 

"I won't live long enough for that."

"Both of you will live for ever!" Dooley says.

I was always taught eternal life is more of a situation for the afterlife. So, if Claus and his wife are dead, they're eternity is making toys and giving them away for free. Even if they're not dead, that's their eternity.

Yeah, I know Claus takes great pleasure in giving to children. So, in that regard, it's heaven I suppose. I'm just speculating.

Santa and Anya evidently can't have children of there own. It's hinted at, but not fully explained. When Santa takes a liking to Joe while struggling with the changing world, I sense he's compensating for his inability (or whatever the situation is) to be a father. 

When he meets Joe, Santa seems a little too naïve about what some children unfortunately go through - negligence and abandonment. He acts like he's never met a homeless child before, which is odd considering he's been doing this for centuries. Chalk one up for the "chosen one" who would love children everywhere. *Sarcasm intended.

Another scene leaves me baffled. Shortly after Claus arrives to the North Pole, he and Anya watch as the elves open a hole in the roof. They watch in wonderment as the bright North Star is in alignment with the opening in the roof. As soon as that happens, Dooley, who is looking through a telescope shouts, "Now!" 

All the other elves are gathered in a circle directly underneath the opening in the roof.

The star begins to brighten up and shine its light upon them.

As they "ooh" and "ahh", snow begins to fall through the hole in the roof. 

The elves congratulate themselves for whatever is going on here. And then everyone, Claus and Anya included, begin to dance. The audience, meanwhile, is left clueless as to what this all means. My guess it has something to do with the prophesy. I really have no idea.

Speaking of which, the cliché of a prophesy is already an overused trope, even for 1985's standards. Who chose him to be Santa? Why? And how do they know Claus was "the chosen one?" They just spring it on him. It's such a buildup that seems way too big for this picture. 

As Burgess Meredith looks Claus in the eye and recites this prophesy, telling Santa Claus what his mission in life will now be, I was waiting for Meredith to throw out, "You're gonna eat lighting, and you're gonna crap thunder!" I'm being serious, too. What a missed opportunity for a great Rocky callback that could have been talked about for years afterwards. 

The movie really wants its audiences to notice where the production money went - basically into the sets and constant use of green screen. And to its credit, the set pieces are imaginative and impressively detailed. Santa's workshop looks like a fun place to be in. 

Though some of the green screen effects are poor, the movie manages to impress with its scenes of Santa flying over New York City. Even with the use of green screen, the camera angles are well done to pull off these shots as realistically as special effect techniques of 1985 would allow.   

The story is tawdry and kitsch. It's really nothing but heaps of sugar, with a story thrown in because its customary for movies to have one. It comes out bland in the end.

McDonald's, Coca-Cola, and Pabst Blue Ribbon beer are shamelessly inserted. 

One of these product placements take place when young Joe, pitiful and hungry, peers in through the golden arches painted on the window of a small but crowded McDonald's. Inside, folks are laughing and carrying trays loaded with burgers, fries, and drinks. The camera zooms closer to Joe's mournful face as he watches all these happy folks eating their food and having fun. And we certainly get shots of these happy people eating McDonald's. It's contrasted by Joe's sad expression. Had Joe muttered the slogan McDonald's used back in 1985, "It's a good time for the great taste of McDonald's" to the camera before meandering off down the street, still hungry, I would give this movie a huge pass. That's another opportunity missed. Such a scene could have been one of the boldest producuct placement scenes in Christmas movie history. But, I guess even Hollywood and fast food franchises have to maintain some kind of standard. Anyways, it all just adds to the overall Christmas commercialism that serves as the foundation of this movie, and makes Santa Claus sad.  

John Lithgow plays his business character in such an over-the-top way, it's hard not to laugh at it. And I mean that respectfully. He puts a lot...and I mean a lot... into his performance. While Huddleston plays Santa with loads of sentimentality, Lithgow as the bad business guy is as cartoonishly villainous as can be. The animation is Lithgow's performance itself, figuratively speaking. And honestly, he's perfectly cast for this role. Lithgow is a great actor, and I cannot say his role in Santa Claus: The Movie is an exception. He is still highly entertaining.

In the scene where Patch meets with B.Z., he asks, "Don't you believe in Santa?"

"Why should I," B.Z. says. "He never brought me anything."

"That's because you were probably a naughty boy," Patch says. 

"Yes, I guess I was no angel."

Still, Patch wants to work with him knowing perfectly well B.Z. must have been on Santa's naughty list for so long. That seems off to me.

I'll have to take a point away from this movie for lack of coherent writing.  

I couldn't get invested in any of the characters, not even Santa Claus. Lithgow is the most interesting character. All the rest are paper cutouts. 

Some of the acting felt like director Jeannot Szwarc used the first take and didn't bother with shooting any more takes. 

By the way, Szwarc's list of movies he's directed includes Supergirl, Jaws 2, and Bug to name a few unpopular movies.  

Overall, I found the story forced, haphazard, slow at times, and sappily artificial. But if there's anyone out there who includes Santa Claus: The Movie in their annual holiday movie watching line-up, I get it. I seriously get it. There is apparent effort to make a good movie. It's there. And somewhere underneath the cheesy, cream puff, sugar coating is a small gleam of charm. The movie didn't work for me. Regardless, I can respect any fandom for this movie. To its fans, I say...enjoy Santa Claus: The Movie. Kids, who are clearly the target audience, will surely find joy watching this movie. As they do, I'll watch my Christmas Carol from 1951, and A Christmas Story like I have for the last 35 years. 

The Dirt Bike Kid (1985) - Video Rental Chicken Fat

"Save Mike's Doghouse!"

Director

Hoite C. Caston

Cast

Peter Billingsley - Jack Simmons

Anne Bloom - Janet Simmons

Stuart Pankin - Mr. Hodgkins

Chad Sheets - Bo

Patrick Collins - Mike

Weasel Forshaw - Big Slime

Sage Parker - Mazie Clavell

Try to imagine all the parodies of 1980s movies, poking fun at their clichés, you may have seen in programs or movies. Think of standard characters found in 80s movies aimed at young audiences. Imagine bullies with unclear motives. Imagine a mysterious and seemingly wise man who knows something about a seemingly mundane object that possesses something more than meets the eye. Imagine a child hero. You could probably come up with images that are completely accurate though don't actually exist in any specific movie. 

The 1985 movie The Dirt Bike Kid is saturated with clichés and cheesy 1980s tropes. This movie has all of that stuff I mentioned above. Any satire of 80s films out there must surely pull some inspiration from this movie. So much so that I was a little embarrassed to post a review.

I came across this movie several times at California Video and thought about renting it. But, I never did. After all these years I've remembered the cover art depicting Peter Billingsley, whom I only knew from A Christmas Story, flying on a motorcycle over some random city. How could I forget this picture?

This movie definitely pulls from E.T.: The Extra-Terrestrial and Disney's The Love Bug.

Director Hoite C. Caston said in the DVD commentary that it's inspired from the story Jack and the Beanstalk. 

In this movie, Billingsley plays Jack Simmons who's a typical T.V. watching, yet somehow imaginative kid, who lives with his mom, Janet (Anne Bloom). His dad died sometime before so it's just Jack and Janet.

Jack's mom gives him their last $50 to go buy groceries. On his way to the store, he stops by a dirt bike race.   

During the race, Jack sees one of the competitors, Max (Gavin Allen), riding a Yamaha YZ-80 (also known as a dirt bike for people like me who could care less).

The motorcycle performs poorly during the race, infuriating Max who yells at it and kicks it like a downed horse.

Jack takes interest in the mud-caked bike, wishing it could be his. A random mysterious old spectator starts telling Jack that the bike is special and magical, and that Max doesn't deserve a bike such as that.

So, Jack offers Max his mom's last $50 and the bicycle he rode in on, for the motorcycle.

Jack discovers the bike is self-aware, and indeed magical. In fact, the bike can actually fly. 

When he returns home with his new trade, his mom is naturally furious he blew all their food money on this thing. She confiscates it, puts it in the back of the family station wagon, and goes to sell it a local bike shop.

Of course, moms never "understand."

Jack goes to the bike shop later, asks to get the bike back from the owner, and offers to work for the cost. The owner happily agrees.

Meanwhile, Jack's little league baseball coach, Mike (Patrick Collins) is facing a financial crisis. His hot dog restaurant, Mike's Doghouse, which is the team sponsor is in dire straights as ruthless and self-centered bank owner, Mr. Hodgkins (Stuart Pankin) wants to tear it down in order build a second bank branch.   

Jack and his girl-loving, Playboy magazine reading friend, Bo (Chad Sheets) use this sentient bike and some computer hacking skills to help uncover Hodgkins' corrupt plans and save Mike's Doghouse.

Peter Billingsley as Jack Simmons in The Dirt Bike Kid.

Meanwhile, a motorcycle gang led by a guy named Arthur "Big Slime" (Weasal Forshaw) has it in for Jack because...he's a kid, I guess? There's no reason given as to why this motorcycle gang (all adults) hates jack and is out to take him down. 

The Dirt Bike Kid is such a ridiculously obvious story. It's one of the most archetypal movies of its decade I have ever seen as far as structure and storyline goes. I feel like I almost have to like it.

The film contains the innocent and loveable main character with his quirky and boob-loving buddy, a beloved town hangout threatened to be taken down by an evil and unsympathetic rich banker, adult bullies with completely unclear motives hell-bent on taking down the main character, and a story so predictable readers will probably gather what happens just by reading my short synopsis.

It's fascinating, even speaking as someone who lived through the 1980s, how cookie cutter a movie The Dirt Bike Kid is. 

I can't blame the film for these same old tropes. I think time didn't serve these aspects of the movie well. However, I can't imagine adult audiences in 1985 viewing this movie with a mindset far from mine right now in 2021. Or, maybe that's what they expected to see in a PG rated movie of the mid-1980s.

There's even a pie fight. That's comedy on par with slipping on a banana peel or shoving 20 clowns in a dinky car. 

Spoiler. At the end of the movie, when all is resolved, the bike loses its magic for Jack. Some other random kid takes interest in the bike which suddenly has its magic back. And also back is the same random old guy from the beginning who, once again, tells this kid how special the bike is. The term "forced" doesn't seem big enough.

And the fact that the bike is magic and can fly seems like a plot point that was thrown in at the last minute. There's nothing substantial to indicate this bike is going to be magic. Yes, the cover art shows Billingsley's character flying over the city. But the term "dirt bike" denotes racing and sweet bike jumps. 

And, yes, the movie's tagline begins with "if you're crazy about magic..." That's open for interpretation. 

The original title was Crazy Wheels. That actually sounds better as it places emphasis on the magic dirt bike rather than the "dirt bike kid." It denotes a uniqueness about the bike. If the movie title referenced the bike rather than the kid, then it would take away some of that apparent tacked-on placement of the magic flying self-aware bike.

Director Hoite Caston said the movie was made on an $800,000 budget, and sold 100,000 VHS tapes. One of them landed at California Video in Oakland, California's Lincoln Square Shopping Center.

According to imdb.com, this is Caston's first and only film he directed. Otherwise, he also directed episodes of a tv series called Not Necessarily the News. 

Honestly speaking, The Dirt Bike Kid is proof not everything from the 1980s is worth remembering. Still, this easily falls into that weird "so bad that it's good" category.

Haunted Honeymoon (1986) - Video Rental Chicken Fat

Now you think this would frighten me. Well it doesn't. Because I know this is just a filthy figment of my diseased imagination. All I have to do is simply reach out my hand and touch it!

Director

Gene Wilder

Cast

Gene Wilder - Larry Abbot

Gilda Radner - Vickie Pearle

Dom DeLuise - Aunt Kate Abbot

Jonathan Pryce - Charlie Abbot

Bryan Pringle - Pfister, the Butler

Peter Vaughn - Uncle Francis Abbot 

In the current tide of 1980s pop culture popularity, when the decade's favored movies and such are still seen on t-shirts, in toy aisles, on other random merchandise, and broadcast as cast reunions in magazines or news programs encouraging adults my age to tell everyone "I remember that," some movies of the decade haven't made it to that pinnacle of nostalgia for new generations. They remain buried under under mounds of these other movies. It doesn't matter if a movie is good as long as it's remembered as entertaining. 

One such buried movie is the 1986 "chiller comedy" Haunted Honeymoon. 

Surely, Haunted Honeymoon ought to be a movie that sprouted some sentimental appreciation over the decades in the midst of this 1980s trend. True, it was poorly received upon its release, but when has that stopped nostalgia? If Garbage Pail Kids: The Movie and Howard the Duck garnered more remembering, why hasn't Haunted Honeymoon? This movie has a lot going for it as far as nostalgia goes. 

It's Saturday Night Live alum Gilda Radner's last film appearance before her death in 1989 due to ovarian cancer. It has Willy Wonka himself, the late Gene Wilder both in the picture and in the director's chair. And it's the third time Wilder and his wife, Gilda, appeared together in a movie. Previously they co-starred in The Woman in Red (1984) and Hanky Panky (1982). Anyone remember those movies?

The movie also stars the late and legendary comedian Dom DeLuise in drag as Great-Aunt Kate. It's a role that earned him a Razzie Award for worst supporting actress.   

This is a movie that I often stumbled across and wondered what my experience would be if I talked my mom into renting it for me when we visited our local video rental store - California Video - back in the video renting days of the late 1980s to 1990s.

And though I have never seen it until a few nights ago, I have kept it in my mind as a movie to watch all these years later. Even though I hadn't seen it, I mentally had it placed among other 80s comedies such as The Three Amigos, Spaceballs, Trading Places, History of the World Part 1, Fletch, etc.

The box cover image of Haunted Honeymoon has been taped (figuratively speaking) to the wall of my recollection like a poster in a bedroom.

So, I'm dubbing this movie "video rental chicken fat" and slapping my thoughts about it on this blog rather than on my horror blog, 1000daysofhorror.blogspot.com.

The movie centers on radio personalities, Larry Abbot (Gene Wilder) and his girlfriend Vickie Pearle, (Gilda Radner) who perform on a radio series, "Manhattan Mystery Theater." 

The two have announced during a show break that they're getting married. 

After this announcement, Larry is bothered by panic attacks while back on the air. 

Though Vickie thinks Larry is just nervous now that they're engaged, she's worried his anxiety could lead to their being fired from the studio.

Larry's sophisticated Uncle Paul (Paul L. Smith) thinks all Larry needs is some good ol' shock therapy to cure his anxiety. It'll be like curing someone's hiccups.

Meanwhile, Larry wants to have the wedding in his boyhood castle home. 

He and Vickie travel to the castle so Vickie can meet his family. 

At the house are his Great-Aunt Kate (Dom DeLuise), Uncle Francis (Peter Vaughan), and his cousins Charles (Jonathan Pryce), Susan (Jo Ross) and cross-dressing Francis, Jr. (Roger Ashton-Griffiths). 

The family butler, Pfister (Bryan Pringle) who's under the impression Vickie is hard of hearing so he shouts at her throughout the film, and his wife, Rachel the maid (Ann Way) are also present.

Larry's old fling, Sylvia (Eve Ferret) is now dating Charles. So, she's there. And Susan brought her husband Montego (Jim Carter), who's a magician. 

And honestly, pretty much all these characters (except, maybe, Charles) are forgettable. 

Gilda Radner and Gene Wilder in Haunted Honeymoon.

So, feel free to skip that paragraph. 

As Paul begins treating Larry, the only one who doesn't appear to be in on the treatment is Larry himself. Larry starts noticing strange events start taking place.

All the other family members are in on what's happening around the castle.   

The gags run mostly dry. 

I was left with barely any laughs after watching Haunted Honeymoon. The one time I laughed is thanks to a scene with Gilda Radner's character floating outside Larry's window chanting "Laaa-rrry." She suddenly breaks her chant with "this thing's pinching my butt!" 

Other than that, I was a bit confused as to what was happening and where it was going. 

While some jokes are just corny, others have a setup that makes the punchline obvious. I got to a few punchlines before the joke was over. 

In an early scene, Aunt Kate points out a priceless vase at the top of the staircase mid-landing in front of a large window. 

"That vase cost me $5,000. There are only three like it in the world," she says.

"Two," Pfister says.

"Yes...two."

Obviously, the audience knows something is going to happen to this priceless vase later in the movie. It wouldn't have been pointed out as rare and priceless if it wasn't going to be destroyed later. And the payoff isn't anything to look forward to.

As much as I love Wilder, and think of him as a great comedian, too many jokes in this movie just fall flat. 

In one particular scene Pfister asks Abbot about one of the other guests.

"Is he still married," Pfister asks.

"Widower," Abbot replies.

"Widower than what?"

"What do you mean, 'Widower than what'?"

"You said he was 'widower'!"

"He is."

"Widower than what?"

"I don't know what you're talking about. He isn't widower than anything."

"You mean he's just a 'wittle' man?" 

"That's right." 

"That's all I was asking." 

Another gag has Wilder frantically telling Pfister, "I'm telling you, I felt a cold, dead body lying beside me on the bed!" 

"I feel that every night. Warm brandy helps," Pfister replies. 

The punchline is obvious. They're like jokes written at the last minute for the sake of meeting a deadline rather than trying to make the audiences laugh.

Haunted Honeymoon reminds me a bit of the 1932 thriller The Old Dark House starring Boris Karloff and Melvin Douglas which is the classic story of strangers caught in a torrential rainstorm that forces them to be seek refuge in...well... an old dark house. It's a comparison I made while watching the movie.

I didn't realize Wilder took some inspiration from The Old Dark House until after I watched Haunted Honeymoon and did a some digging into the backstory of the movie's production.

Evidently, Wilder developed the idea for this movie while shooting 1976's Silver Streak. At that time, he had a vision for Haunted Honeymoon's opening scene, and built around it. 

And he not only pulled inspiration from The Old Dark House, he also wanted to make a horror comedy (or chiller comedy) similar to the classic horror comedies The Cat and the Canary (1939) and The Black Cat (1941), as well as the popular radio mystery serial The Inner Sanctum which aired from 1941 to 1952.  

In 1986, Wilder told the Philadelphia Inquirer, in an article called "Their Comedy, Alas, is No Laughing Matter," that while he wanted his movie to be a "chiller comedy," it turned into an "autobiographical psycho sexual comedy with music." Maybe that's its problem?

It sounds like the direction became muddled and confused, leaving audiences with a movie that doesn't know what it is. 

There's a song and dance number with DeLuise as Aunt Kate and Gilda Radner that's slightly amusing, but completely random and out of place.

Gilda Radner and Dom DeLuise

There was so much potential for DeLuise to create a comedically unforgettable character with Aunt Kate if he played the role differently, say, as a guy playing a woman. It could have been an underlying joke. But, though DeLuise is a comedy legend appearing in some of the best comedy movies out there, his performance as a wealthy, grandmotherly aunt feels dull and like mere imitation. 

Haunted Honeymoon tries to be a unforgettable comedy - it picks up in the second act of the movie - but it ends up falling flat in the end. It fails to impress.

There's also a running joke about someone in the home being a werewolf, but I don't recall that ever going anywhere. A second viewing is in order.

As much as I love the late Gene Wilder, I loved him better in that earlier comedy horror film - the one from Mel Brooks - than I did in this film.

Buddy Buddy (1981) - Video Rental Chicken Fat

"You're making it very difficult for me to like you."

Director

Billy Wilder

Cast

Jack Lemmon - Victor Clooney

Walter Matthau - Trabucco

Paula Prentiss - Celia Clooney

Klaus Kinski - Dr. Hugo Zuckerbrot

If the movie The Private Eyes (1980), which I reviewed last month, is an obscure Don Knotts and Tim Conway movie, then the 1981 Billy Wilder film Buddy Buddy is the lost Jack Lemmon and Walter Matthau film.
Again, back in the mid-video rental days of my life, I took an interest in exploring films made before I was born. One of those movies I loved, and still love, is the 1968 Neil Simon classic The Odd Couple. 

It not only introduced me to the real-life comedy style of Neil Simon and the movies based on his plays such as Barefoot in the Park, The Out-of-Towners and The Prisoner of Second Avenue, it introduced me to the collective comedic genius of Lemmon and Matthau.
Sometime back in the 1990s, I found a video cassette copy of Buddy Buddy on the rental shelf of California Video, the movie rental store I've mentioned on this blog before.
The only selling point for me was Lemmon and Matthau. So, I rented it. Not only did it broadened my experience in their comedy, it was also the first time I heard Matthau say "fuck" in a movie. 

After all this time, that's the only thing I remember most from this flick.
The day I rented Buddy Buddy was the first and last time I watched it.
After that, I never saw the movie again. I never found any copies of it on any movie shelf. I never saw it in any store where DVDs are sold. My local public library couldn't even find a copy through Interlibrary Loan because no library in my state has one. 
I searched the not-too-dark crevasses of the internets* for a copy. I inquired among folks in a Facebook page dedicated to "dead formats" to see if anyone was selling it. I checked Amazon and could only find a copy in Spanish. On eBay, VHS copies sell for nearly $50.

Finally, I found a DVD for sale at classicmoviesetc.com - a fantastic site for those looking for hard to find, or perhaps, out-of-print movies. (They're not a sponsor). 

Now, $13 later, I have Buddy Buddy in my hands for the first time since I rented it over 30 years ago.
This movie is a remake of the 1973 French film L'emmerdeur (A Pain in the Ass) which is based on the 1971 play Le Contrat by Francis Veber. 
Matthau plays a hitman named Trabucco who is carrying out a job eliminating witnesses against the mafia.
He's taken them all out. The last on his hitlist is Rudy "Disco" Gambola who's about to testify before a grand jury against other members of the mob.
To complete this last hit, Trabucco drives to Riverside, Calif., and checks into the Ramona Hotel across the street from the courthouse. His plan is to shoot Gambola from a room on that side of the Hotel, and sneak out. 
Meanwhile, Victor Clooney (Jack Lemmon), a television network censor, is suicidal as his wife Celia (Paula Prentiss) wants to divorce him for another man. 
Clooney checks into the same hotel, and ends up with a room right next to Trabucco's. The two of them happened to meet earlier at a gas station. Trabucco stopped to use the men's room, and while waiting, Clooney was occupying it, puking his guts out thanks to nerves. 
Their hotel rooms are connected. As Trabucco sets up a sniper rifle to shoot Gambola, he hears a commotion from Clooney's room. 

Jack Lemmon and Walter Matthau in Buddy Buddy.

He checks to see what happened and finds that Clooney had tried to hang himself on one of the shower pipes. This made the pipe break causing water to flood the bathroom. 
Trabucco tries to calm him down so as to avoid any unwanted attention from hotel staff. 

Clooney then climbs out of the window onto the ledge, threatening to jump. 
Scared that police might show up to the hotel, Trabucco talks him into coming back inside. 
He agrees to drive Clooney to see his wife who's a researcher at the "Institute of Sexual Fulfillment" clinic, gathering content for a 60 Minuies segment. The clinic is run by an expert of sexual behavior, Dr. Hugo Zuckerbrot (Klaus Kinski). Zuckerbrot is also the guy Celia is leaving Clooney for. 
On the way there, Trabucco tries to shoot Clooney, who needed to stop to puke again. But the attempt is interrupted when a cop car pulls up escorting another vehicle with a female passenger who's in labor. They ask Trabucco for help, and he reluctantly agrees to take the woman and her husband to the nearest clinic. 

That nearest clinic is the Institute of Sexual Fulfillment. Why not kill two birds with one stone? 

Trabucco drops Clooney off, and heads back to the hotel. 

Clooney is unsuccessful at trying to win Celia back. He tells her how suicidal he is. When Celia tells Zuckerbrot what state her husband is in, he worries what this'll mean for the reputation of the Institute. 

Clooney manages to find a way back to the hotel. 

Celia and Zuckerbrot drop in unexpectedly to give Clooney a heavy sedative so he won't take his own life. However, Zuckerbrot goes in alone, mistakes Trabucco for Clooney, and gives him the shot.

All this time, Clooney is unaware Trabucco is a mafia hitman. But he finally catches on. And once he figures it out, Trabucco can't just let him go. 

This comedy has a Neil Simon "what else can go wrong" comedy style similar to Simon films like The Out-of-Towners, The Odd Couple, and The Prisoner of Second Avenue. 

But it's a Billy Wilder movie. And it's the last film for Wilder, who came out of retirement to make this one last movie. Sadly, it was a "poof" to end his directing career.

While Buddy Buddy is not their best film together, and despite film critic Roger Ebert of the Chicago Sun-Times calling it "appalling," "very bad," and "a comedy without laughs," I think time and nostalgia has worked in its favor just a bit. 

Matthau can be an intimidating presence on screen, and he is in this movie. But his faux Italian Bronx mafia style accent doesn't work. His normal Matthau voice would work so much better, especially when considering he was born in the Lower East Side of New York. A fake accent is completely superfluous and distracting.

Lemmon plays his usual, energetic comedic self who's excitable and unaware of what the audience is in on. 
It's fun to see Lemmon and Matthau work off each other as it always is. The overall scenario is original for them.

However, the character of Clooney definitely falls a little too much into the shadow of Lemmon's character Felix Ungar in The Odd Couple. Minus Felix's obsessive cleanliness, everything else seems similar - his nervousness, his repugnance to the sexual deviations at the clinic (I'm sure Felix would feel the same about that), and especially Clooney facing a divorce and wanting to kill himself over it. 
Despite the somewhat seemingly lackadaisical comedy and not-so-interesting flow of events, I still found myself laughing at Matthau and Lemmon, and entertained by their performances.  

Jack Lemmon and Klaus Kinski.

Buddy Buddy performed poorly at the time of its release, even being called the worst movie of 1981 by Chicago Tribune film critic Gene Siskel. Though Ebert hated it, too, he picked Heaven's Gate as the worst film of that year.
Watching the late legends brings a little more appreciation to the movie that critics panned back in 1981. 

Otherwise, all the movie has going for it is Lemmon and Matthau. Everything else is completely forgettable and stale. Nothing else is funny except for those two.

The camera work and lighting is certainly not impressive either, which is unfortunate considering this is a Billy Wilder film. His previous films are usually much more lively in their stories, camera work, and imaginative lighting. It's no surprise as Wilder and screenwriter I.A.L. Diamond  wrote the script in three months. In an interview with the Los Angeles Times back in 1981, Wilder called it a record for them.

"We just sat on it," Wilder said. "Just think. It could have been made and lost $7 million already."

They waited out an actors strike going on at the time. Once that was over, they waited for Lemmon and Matthau's respective schedules to allow both of  them time to appear in the picture. 

Despite its then poor performance, I find it odd how difficult the movie is to come by considering Billy Wilder was in the director's chair, and Lemmon and Matthau in the starring roles.  

Putting both comedians in this scenario, and watching them in their respective roles, feels forced. At the same time, in most of their comedies, Lemmon's character is at the mercy of Matthau's character. Obviously that plays into this story. It doesn't feel as genuine as their other pictures, especially with the uncomfortable inclusion of an Institute of Sexual Fulfillment. It throws the movie into ridiculous level that doesn't fit the rest of the comedy. 

Wilder launched these two as a team when he directed the 1966 romantic comedy Fortune Cookie. He also directed them in the 1974 comedy The Front Page, which is probably my second favorite Lemmon and Matthau comedy after The Odd Couple. Matthau does have a colorful vocabulary in The Front Page, but I saw that years after watching him in Buddy Buddy.
Wilder has worked with Lemmon without Matthau, too, quite a few times such as in Some Like it Hot (1959), The Apartment (1961), Irma la Douce (1963), and Avanti! (1972). 
After Buddy Buddy's box office failure, Lemmon and Matthau, the longest running comedy team spanning four decades, wouldn't team up again until 12-years later in the successful 1993 film Grumpy Old Men. After that they made a few more films together as a duo - Grumpier Old Men (1995), Out to Sea (1997), and The Odd Couple II (1998).

The latter was their last film appearance together. Also, those films much easier to find. 
So, why Buddy Buddy is so obscure is a question I have yet to find an answer to. 

I'd recommend the movie to any fan of Lemmon and Matthau, but good luck finding it. I won't be lending my copy out anytime soon.

I have to add that actor Michael Ensign plays a hotel manager in this movie. He played a hotel manager again three-years later in Ghostbusters. Being a Ghostbusters nerd, I couldn't let this review go without mentioning this fact somewhere in here. 

The Private Eyes (1980) - Video Rental Chicken Fat

"Listen up dummies. The help is all gone, the house is bare. Now you know, a shadow is there. There's one left to die, then my job'll be done. I like killing people, it's a lotta kicks!"

Director 

Lang Elliott

Cast

Don Knotts - Inspector Winshop

Tim Conway - Dr. Tart

Trisha Noble - Phyllis Morley

Bernard Fox - Justin

Fred Stuthman - Lord Morley

Mary Nell Santacroce - Lady Morley

Grace Zabriskie - Nanny

The Private Eyes was my introduction to Tim Conway and Don Knotts as a comic duo even before I watched them together in more popular movies such as Disney's The Apple Dumpling Gang and The Apple Dumpling Gang Rides Again. 

I can't recall the exact circumstances my dear mom rented this film for me sometime during my elementary school days - probably as something to watch while home sick from school. I obviously liked it so much I recall requesting this movie rental on several occasions back in the day. 

Thanks to Knotts and Conway, and also Laurel and Hardy, my interest in older comedy started to broaden towards acts like the Marx Brothers and even Jack Lemmon and Walter Matthau movies

The movie begins with Lord Morley (Fred Stuthman - Escape from Alcatraz) and Lady Morley (Mary Nell Santacroce) getting into their car outside their English mansion for an evening out.

Lady Morley consistently critiques her husband's uncouth manners. As they're about to leave, Lord Morley declares he forgot his "smokes." 

Before running back into the house to grab his cigars, Lady Morley chastises his use of the word "smokes."

While inside, a hooded figure hiding in the back seat strangles Lady Morley. 

When Lord Morley returns, he accidentally drops his cigars on the floor. 

After picking them up, he asks his wife if she's getting in a quick nap. 

That's when Lord Morley notices the black hooded figure in the rear view mirror before he receives a blow to the head and is knocked unconscious.

The mysterious killer then jumps out, puts the car in drive, and it plunges into a lake near the road. 

Two American detectives working for Scotland Yard, Prof. Winship (Don Knotts) and Dr. Tart (Tim Conway) are assigned to investigate the Morley murders. They dress like Holmes and Watson, but they act like they're Holmes' and Watson's dopey cousins.

The suspense is thick right away as they have a letter signed by Lord Morley requesting they investigate the murders. 

If you don't know who these two are, you need to get out more!

As Winship and Tart question all of the staff at Morley Manor - the Morley's adopted daughter Phyllis (Trisha Noble), Justin the maniacal butler (Bernard Fox), Nanny (Grace Zabriskie), Mr. Uwatsum the chef (John Fujioka), Hilda the busty upstairs maid (Suzy Mandel), Jock the hunchback stable boy (Irwin Keyes), and Tibet, a gypsy who just happens to live there (Stan Ross) - they end up dead one by one. 

Now, Winship and Tart have to figure this mystery out before they're next to go.

If the hooded figure didn't show up in the opening scene, the movie would be much more obvious. The twist is anything but predictable.

It's a little surprising that The Private Eyes is as obscure a movie as it is considering the comedians in the main leads.

Much of the comedy is slapstick and silly, but it manages to be entertaining nevertheless. 

I found myself laughing most at Tim Conway's performance. That's not to say Knotts doesn't get any laughs. Conway can keep a straight face in the dumbest of circumstances. Even watching it as an adult, I still had a few laughs. Knotts is the straight man of the two, though still hilarious in his reactions towards his partner.

The clues left by the killer after each of the staff are found dead are a running joke in the film. They begin as poetic rhymes but end in some odd ball conclusion. They're corny but still manage to be funny.

The Private Eyes is definitely worth watching for any Don Knotts or Tim Conway fan, or both, or a fan of classic comedy... if you can find a copy.

It's a harmless movie, even for a comedic murder mystery. The "mystery" part is certainly on the same level as a Scooby Doo cartoon, complete with the classic unmasking at the end.

The animated intro credits must surely take inspiration from the credits seen at the start of The Pink Panther (1963) and its sequels. In my opinion, the opening soundtrack is just as catchy as The Pink Panther's. It stuck with me all these years. 

This movie deserves more attention because of its cast, the characters, its charm, and atmosphere. 

It took me a long while to find The Private Eyes on DVD. Thankfully, I found a rather pricey copy at a Vintage Stock in Topeka, Kansas. I think I paid $15 which, in my book is a little steep for a not-so-on-demand film. However, it was worth it.

The Hard Way (1991) - Video Rental Chicken Fat

"Don't eat like me, don't sit like me, and do not smoke like me!"

Director

John Badham

Cast

James Woods - Lt. John Moss

Michael J. Fox - Nick Lang

Stephen Lang - The Party Crasher

Annabella Sciorra - Susan

Delroy Lindo - Capt. Brix

LL Cool J - Det. Billy

Luis Guzman - Det. Pooley

The Hard Way starring Michael J. Fox and James Woods is another film from my past. As I mentioned before, I went through a cop movie phase in my mid to late teen years, and into my early 20s.  

It's a movie that's different and original for Michael J. Fox.

I don't remember when exactly I found this movie. I just know it was another video store rental favorite of mine back when I was a teenager. I eventually found a VHS copy at my local Borders Books and Music out in Emeryville, Calif., sometime in the mid-90s. 

I had a small list of these kind of police comedies I loved watching such as K-9 with Jim Belushi, Turner & Hooch with Tom Hanks, all the Beverly Hills Cop movies starting with part three and working backwards, and Metro with Eddie Murphy. 

The latter was filmed in San Francisco, which is why I took a special interest in that flick. Incidentally, Beverly Hills Cop III was filmed at Great America theme park in Santa Clara, California - my old stopping ground during my childhood summers. Hence, my affinity for the least popular third movie in that franchise. Back then, Great America was owned by Paramount Studios and therefore was called "Paramount's Great America." 

Anyways, The Hard Way has stuck with me until now as I write this.

It's a buddy and cop comedy movie about New York Police Lieutenant, John Moss (James Woods), who's investigating a serial killer vigilante who calls himself "the Party Crasher" (Stephen Lang). 

Moss is a closed-off sharp tongued officer with a short fuse. He's in a fairly new relationship with Susan (Annabella Sciorra) whom he's trying to impress. Susan is a single mom trying to find a good man to help raise, and be a positive influence for, her young daughter, Bonnie (Christina Ricci).

His relationship, his job, and his inability to stop the Party Crasher are all that occupy his mind. His difficulty with opening up to Susan is working against his relationship with her. 

Meanwhile in Hollywood, Nick Lang (Michael J. Fox) is a spoiled and dissatisfied actor known for his action movie character "Smoking" Joe Gunn who's a mix between Indiana Jones and James Bond.

With a new movie just coming out, "Smoking Gun II," Lang wants to land a new, realistic, grittier role so he'll be taken more seriously as an actor. 

He sees the role of police agent "Ray Casanova" in an upcoming movie "The Good, The Badge, and the Ugly" as the perfect opportunity to accomplish this goal. He believes landing this role will boost his acting status to something more serious, and a way to avoid being typecast.

Lang sees Moss in a news interview on T.V. regarding the Party Crasher during which Moss has an angry outburst and makes an obscene comment.

This is the kind of character Lang wants Casanova to be. Angry. No-nonsense. Quick with the cynical comments and insults. Strong and determined. 

He decides to arrange the opportunity to shadow Moss around in order to study him as an officer in preparation for the role.

He's able to get the NYC Mayor to team him up with Moss. Through Police Captain Brix (Delroy Lindo), he's paired with Moss under the guise of being his "new partner" using the pseudonym Ray Casanova.

Much to Moss's chagrin, looking after Lang means being pulled from the Party Crasher case.

Furious, Moss goes out of his way to make sure Lang understands he doesn't want him around. He even attempts to ditch Lang, defying Brix's orders. On top of all this, he continues to investigate the Party Crasher case. 

James Woods and Michael J. Fox in The Hard Way.

The more Lang tries getting to know Moss, and what makes him the way he is inside and outside, the more irritated and angry Moss is, and tries to lose him.

Susan even turns to Lang for relationship advice because she thinks Lang really is Moss's police partner and surely must know more about him than she does. 

But the more his girlfriend and the Hollywood star familiarize themselves with him, the more Moss closes himself up.

While to story centers on Lang and Moss, the audience doesn't get a lot of insight into why Moss keeps himself closed off.

In one seen, Lang blatantly asks Moss, "Will you open up? I just want to know what it feels like to be inside your skin."

Moss flies off the handle, and shouts back "I don't want you inside my skin! You understand? It's private! What's in there belongs to me!" 

Even Susan asks him about himself during their date at a pizza place, claiming she's told him everything about herself and Bonnie but he's never told them about himself.

In a hilarious scene where Lang and Moss are talking in a bar after Susan snaps at Moss, Lang starts pretending to be Susan in an attempt to help Moss learn how to open up a bit to a woman like Susan. 

Lang, acting as Susan, asks him how "someone so strong and so in charge isn't really comfortable in who he is." 

First Moss isn't comfortable with the question, as would be expected. Then he says that because he's divorced, every time he's serious about a woman, he gets scared. So, there's some insight. 

Fear is a controlling emotion. And it's relatable. Still, there's room for more insight into Moss. Maybe further insight would have made the movie better. It could make the audience more sympathetic and relatable to this rough and angry cop. But the audience is limited to this small bit of dialogue. Why does he get scared? What happened when he divorced? Why did he divorce in the first place?

Spoiler:

The movie ends with a quick resolve as Moss finally stops the Party Crasher. The end then cuts to Moss, Susan, and Moss's fellow police officers watching the Hollywood premier of Lang's new movie. We know Moss learns to express himself to Susan, and by the end, they're likely married.

Though Moss saves Susan from the Party Crasher in the end, even that's not enough as far as the audience's understanding of him.

Still The Hard Way is a fun, hilarious movie. There's great chemistry between Woods and Fox. Watching them work off of each other is entertaining. 

It's too bad they didn't make more movies together. They're both quite a pair that seem opposite of each other, which is what makes them work well together.

Stephen Lang (Avatar, Don't Breath) portrays his character as high strung, unsympathetic, and self-righteous. 

Stephen Lang as "The Party Crasher."

Stephen pulls these traits off wonderfully. 

He's an intimidating presence on screen using a lot of energy to leave the audience with a killer whose strong cold personality is unforgettable. 

In one scene where Moss confronts the Party Crasher in a stake-out gone wrong, holding a hostage at gun point, he tells Moss that he's not the bad guy because he hunts down all the criminals that make Moss's job difficult. 

Somewhere in that exchange, Stephen leaves the audience with a small spec of sympathy. It's visible in that clear frustration the Party Crasher has towards Moss because he doesn't see what he's trying to do. To him, Moss is just too much of a cop to see the "good" he thinks he's doing for society.   

Overall, The Hard Way is a hilarious, entertaining movie that deserves a little more attention.

It tends to trip under the radar despite its star cast - Fox, Woods, LL Cool J, Stephen Lang, Annabella Sciorra, a very young Christina Ricci, and a cameo from Penny Marshall.

According to imdb.com, this was Ricci's fourth movie. Her next role after The Hard Way was Wednesday Addams in The Addams Family released the same year. 

This film is directed by John Badham who's notable directorial work before this movie includes Saturday Night Fever, WarGames, and Short Circuit. Right before directing The Hard Way, Badham directed Mel Gibson and Goldie Hawn in Bird on a Wire. 

I do like this movie. It has held up all these years since my cop movie phase back in the 1990s. It's not perfect nor does it need to be perfect. The Hard Way takes the old buddy cop comedy formula, and adds some originality to it. The movie accomplishes precisely what it means to. And I recommend it.

Opportunity Knocks (1990) - Video Rental Chicken Fat

"Your major life decisions aren't made in the board room. They're made in the bathroom."

Director 
Donald Petrie

Cast
Dana Carvey - Eddie Farrell
Todd Graff - Lou Pesquino
Julie Campbell - Dr. Annie Malkin
Robert Loggia - Milt Malkin
Doris Belack - Mona Malkin
James Tolkan - Sal Nichols


A week ago, one of my favorite YouTube channels, "Hack the Movies" posted a video critiquing the 2002 Dana Carvey film The Master of Disguise, called The Master of Disguise is Miserable.
During the review, the host Tony is asked by his co-host, Joe from the YouTube channel "Movie Dumpster" if he recalled any other previous movies with Dana Carvey in the starring role aside from Wayne's World (1992) and Wayne's World 2 (1993). 
"Nothing!" is Tony's answer. 
And that's where Carvey's 1990 movie Opportunity Knocks comes in. Does anyone remember this movie?
I had Opportunity Knocks in my line-up of reviews before Hack the Movies's video as I have a little history with this film. 
In my post about Cloak & Dagger, I explain the use of the term "video rental chicken fat." Opportunity Knocks was the movie I wanted to start this whole "chicken fat" thread of reviews off with. But I started off with Cloak & Dagger because I hadn't seen that since I was a little critic.
Back in my sixth or seventh grade year of elementary school I found Opportunity Knocks sitting on the shelf of my local rental store. 
Wayne's World was a movie I and all my elementary school pals loved. We quoted it a lot. We were familiar with it. Everyone was telling everyone else to "party on" or ending every quip with the exclamation, "Not!" 

So, I was familiar with Dana Carvey, aside from seeing him in his reoccurring roles on Saturday Night Live - The Church Lady, Pumping Up with Hanz and Franz, and his George H.W. Bush impression.
This was also the time when my 13+ year old self was shifting attention away from the G and PG rated movies, and looking to PG-13, and the R rated films when I could get away with it. 
I recognized Dana Carvey from Wayne's World so this movie caught my eye. And it's rated PG-13. 
I rented it several times, and bragged to my friends how much I loved it. I didn't love it because it's good. It's not good. I loved it because it had Carvey, and it wasn't rated G nor PG. 
I clung to Opportunity Knocks as my proof of maturity in movie taste. I used it to prove I wasn't a kid. I used it to prove my interest in movies was turning adult (in a nice way, I mean), sophisticated, and cool. The movie completely centers on adults doing adulty things like stealing, lying, spending money, getting involved in romances based completely on lies. This was all certainly key to maturing in my taste in films! My poor 13-year old self...how naïve you were.
In this movie, Carvey plays a con artist named Eddie Farrell who, along with his partner Lou Pesquino (Todd Graff), pull off quick con jobs. They attempt a con in which they visit a random home pretending to be repairmen checking on a neighborhood gas leak. 
As this con job ends up failing, they decide to burglarize another house. They can tell no ones home because of all the newspapers in the driveway, and all the lights are turned off. 
It's clear the house they break into is owned by someone very wealthy based on the amount of high priced items inside. 
During the robbery, the phone rings and the caller leaves a message on the answering machine. As they listen, they learn the homeowner is overseas and won't return for a month. The caller also indicates he won't be able to house sit afterall. 
Eddie and Lou take advantage of this opportunity to take over the house, and crash there for the night.
The two are also on the run from local gangster Sal Nichols (James Tolkan - Back to the Future) whom they owe a lot of money to. Hence, the con jobs. 
The next day, they get separated after stealing a car belonging to one of Nichols's henchmen, or so they think. 

Robert Loggia and Dana Carvey in Opportunity Knocks

While cruising around in the stolen car, Nichols calls on the car phone. Farrell answers the phone to joke around with the owner, only to realize it's his car. So, they ditch the vehicle on the side of the road where it's stripped by vandals. 
Farrell hides in the empty house and tries to locate Lou to tell him he's at the "stereo house." 
The next morning, Farrell walks out of the shower to find a lady named Mona in the living room. They both scream in alarm. Farrell, because he just got caught. And Mona, because Farrell is wearing nothing but a towel. 
Shocked, he tries to talk his way out of being in a house that's not his. But Mona, who's Eddie the homeowner's mother, thinks he's her son's house sitter and best friend, Jonathan Albertson. Apparently, she's never met nor seen Jonathan before. 
Not missing a beat, he goes along with it and pretends to be Jonathan. 
Mona's husband, Milt (Robert Loggia) runs in from outside as he heard their screams. 
Milt is a wealthy business man who operates a successful bathroom fixture company. 
They take a quick liking to Farrell especially after hearing so much about him from their son. They invite him to lunch at their country club, and introduce them to their daughter, Annie (Julia Campbell) who works as a doctor.
She's gorgeous. And Farrell, playing the role of Jonathan, is interested in her but needs to work a bit to win her affection.

Later, Milt even offers him a job on his company board, which he reluctantly takes.
While working for Milt, and being impressively successful at what he does despite not having a clue as to what he's supposed to do, Milt shows him his most priced possession - an autographed baseball which he keeps in an office safe behind a hefty stack of cash. 
Farrell's Uncle Max (Milo O' Shea) and Aunt Connie (Sally Gracie) encourage him not to let his feelings for Annie get in the way of what he does best - con jobs. 
They tell him to use Annie as a way to Milt's money so they can pay off Sal. Farrell is torn. His conscience, perhaps for the first time in years, starts to bother him as he agrees to use her, get Milt's money, and leave them behind.
Opportunity Knocks fails at being the romantic comedy it's supposed to be. 

Watching Carvey's character try to win over the love of an intelligent medical professional is like watching a 12-year old trying to win the affection of an intelligent medical professional. I've seen Hallmark do a better job at telling a romantic comedy several of their Christmas movies that use the same formula over and over again. 
The story is peppered with forced opportunities for Carvey to do his comedic impersonations such as his Indian accent, and Asian accent which I'm sure many will find offensive. The movie also throws in his famous impersonation of George H.W. Bush made popular on Saturday Night Live. Again, it's forced. 

Evidently, making juvenile jokes and singing 'Born to be Wild' in front of a group of drunk club-goers is all it took for fake Jonathan to win Annie over. Nothing deep or sincere is needed. It makes the intelligent doctor, Annie, seem void of any true depth of character. In other words, it took poor writing to get them together. 
At this time, I also started getting into cop movies like K-9 with Jim Belushi, Turner & Hooch, The Hard Way with Michael J. Fox and James Woods. That one is rated R! Yeah... I wasn't messin' around. I also started watching NYPD Blue on T.V. in the mid 90s. It definitely was a phase. 
At some point, I moved on. But Opportunity Knocks is a movie that's been stuck in my mind all this time. 
The ending (spoiler) is a complete joke, but not the kind the producers intended.
This is a movie I don't care if I spoil or not. The entire relationship between Farrell and Annie is based entirely on a lie conjured up by Farrell. 
In the end, when he admits to everyone who he really is and what he does for a living, they're naturally crestfallen and heartbroken. They can't believe how far he duped them, especially after they took to him naturally and made him a part of the most important aspects of their lives. 
With true feelings for Annie, Farrell goes to see her at the hospital where she works. She asks him politely, but angrily, to leave. He tells her if she says she doesn't love him, he'll leave. So, she tells him precisely that.

He leaves as he said he would - the only time in the movie where he's actually honest. 

But she has second thoughts running through her mind. 
Annie runs out of the hospital to look for him. 

Farrell is crossing the street when she yells "how dare you!" 
He starts going into an explanation when he gets hit by a car in the middle of the street. 
Panicked, Annie runs to him and starts asking if he's o.k. She then says she loves him when he doesn't respond.
Farrell replies, "that's all I wanted to hear." Then they kiss. 

The camera pans up to reveal Lou and Uncle Max behind the wheel of the car that hit him - a con tactic we see at the beginning of the movie.
I explain the ending because I mentioned bad writing earlier. This is bad writing. I can't emphasize that enough.
All Annie knows about Farrell is that his real name is Eddie, not Jonathan, and that he cons people for a living. Even while they went on dates and she willingly endured his little juvenile jokes to impress her, she knows nothing about him. All he did to her was lie. But she still loves him? Does she think they'll have a meaningful relationship from this point forward? How does she know he's not lying to her when he says he loves her? He just admitted to using her to get to her dad's money. Farrell lied all the way to his getting hit by a car. Even that was a lie. It has all the appearances of a happy ending, but is it really? 

The story in itself isn't a bad idea. It's just not thought through very well.
Opportunity Knocks is so saturated in immature romantic sap story telling, it can't even come to a logical conclusion.

Carvey even resorted to using his Saturday Night Live character, "the Church Lady" in the trailer to entice audiences to watch Opportunity Knocks. She has nothing to do with this movie whatsoever.

Carvey's humor in general is really hit or miss with me. He's funny and entertaining in the Wayne's World movies. He's funny in his Saturday Night Live skits which is the perfect platform for his impersonations and style of humor. The only part of his 2016 Netflix Comedy Special Straight White Male I found funny was the last routine - John Lennon talking to Paul McCartney from heaven about Paul's duet with Kanye West. This leads to Paul telling John about Facebook and smartphones. That got laughs from me. Carvey's impersonations are spot on.

His comedy in Opportunity Knocks is funny once or twice. Most of it is forced because of what audiences at the time were accustomed to seeing when it came to Carvey's wit. Impersonations. 

As for the rest of the movie, it's just a throwaway romantic story with little to no effort behind it. 

Director Donald Petrie has some notable titles under his belt such as Grumpy Old Men (1993) and Mystic Pizza (1988). I even enjoy his 2000 movie Miss Congeniality with Sandra Bullock. I guess they can't all be winners. 

Opportunity Knocks isn't worth remembering, so I don't blame "Hack the Movies" not recalling it in their video. I didn't realize this back when I was a young teenager looking to PG-13 movies prove somehow prove I was maturing. Better late than never, I guess. 

Cloak & Dagger (1984) - Video Rental Chicken Fat

"Jack Flack always escapes."

Director 

Richard Franklin

Cast

Henry Thomas - Davey Osborne

Dabney Coleman - Hal Osborne/ Jack Flack

Christina Nigra - Kim Gardener

Michael Murphy - Dr. Rice

William Forsythe - Morris

Video Rental Chicken Fat?

Recently, some sad news broke that marks the final leg of an era. One of the last (if not the last) chains of video rental stores closed its doors - another victim of the havoc-wreaking Covid19 epidemic. 

All of the Family Video locations are closing after 42-years of business. 

In a January 5 letter posted on the business's website, the company said that thanks to Covid19, both foot traffic and movie releases grew slim. 

There happens to be a Family Video across the street from my place of employment. They're selling all...and I mean "all"...their inventory at largely discounted prices.

So, I meandered through their aisles of former rentals for the last time in my life looking for hard-to-find movie titles to claim as my own.

Among the lot was the 1984 movie Cloak & Dagger. Finding this particular movie, and carrying it to the check out took me back to those elementary school days when, on some Fridays after school, I'd fling myself into the family Toyota van while still in my parochial school uniform to go rent a movie for the weekend at the local video store. Family movies was what I was limited to. Occasionally I'd sneak over to the horror section to look at the tape covers. Some of those have stayed with me to this day. That's another post for another time.   

California Video was my local rental place at the Lincoln Square Shopping Center along Mountain Boulevard in Oakland, California. Even now, I have a nostalgic love for video rental stores. And with the closing of Family Video, I get a sense this is truly the end of movie rental locations. Things change. Better things come along. Still, someday I'll make it to Deschutes County, Oregon to visit the "last" Blockbuster Video.

Before that ever happens, I'm going to check out some movies I recall once warming the shelves of California Video. Some I've seen before. Others, I only remember the pictures on the tape covers. I'll set these particular posts "Video Rental Chicken Fat." 

These titles somehow lasted this long on rental shelves. I know because I picked up a few of them at Family Video last month.

Ok, so...why "chicken fat?" 

One of my favorite sources of news and information was and still is Mad Magazine. Anyone who has ever read Mad should remember those small background gags or side-cartoons drawn on the blank margins outside the actual comics thanks to the artistry and wit of cartoonists Sergio Aragones or Will Elder. These are referred to as "chicken fat." They're just as present as the main course on each page, but off to the side. They're more like the desert to Mad's main content. You could cut it out of the main strips and gags, and they become their own things. 

Today, the more common term is "Easter Egg." These movies are kind of like that. They're the movies that were in the background warming the shelves of California Video. I don't recall ever having to be on a waiting list to rent them. Some of these are favorites from my past. They're titles I haven't forgotten despite not having watched them in years.

My labeling these movies "chicken fat" certainly isn't a reflection of the film being good or bad, or unnecessary. I need to make that clear.

 

~The Review~

With 1980s pop culture still flooding toy aisles, current social trends, YouTube commentary videos, and our general nostalgic reverie, some movies of that decade still don't seem to get as much attention as other movies. I mean, there's so many after all. 

Cloak & Dagger is one of those movies. Sure, some remember it. But it doesn't seem like it's as fondly celebrated through merchandising and what not like other films of the 1980s. 

Henry Thomas as Davey in Cloak & Dagger

This is a little odd to me. The movie is as 1980s as it gets. It stars Henry Thomas who played Elliott in E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial two years before. 

It's also tied in with an Atari 5200 game also called Cloak & Dagger. 

At the time of the movie's release, the game was still underdevelopment with the working title called Agent X.  

When the movie producers heard about the game, both they and Atari collaborated with each other's project. Videogame-based movies were pretty novel at the time, especially as other movies such as Tron (1982) and The Last Starfighter (1984) were hitting theaters. In fact, Cloak & Dagger was released along with The Last Starfighter as a double feature.

In this movie, Henry Thomas plays 11-year old Davey Osborne who's often within his own imagination along with the fictional spy Jack Flack (Dabney Coleman), and making up adventures. He pretends Jack Flack is accompanying him where ever he goes. Davey even carries around a realistic looking water gun because a good spy always has protection.

Davey's real friend, Kim Gardener (Christina Nigra) tags along with him on daily routines, reluctantly playing along as "Lady Ace" in Davey's Jack Flack imaginings. 

He and Kim stop by a gaming store in the mall as they do regularly, operated by their friend Morris (William Forsythe). He's a video game expert and software engineer. Morris, jealous of how well Davey plays the Atari, sends the kids on a "mission" to buy some Twinkies at the vending machine inside the offices of a game developing company nearby.

While inside the building, Davey and Kim separate. Rather than take the elevator, because Jack Flack would know better than to place himself in such a vulnerable position, Davey takes the stairs where he overhears two spies talk about smuggling secret U.S. information out of the country. He then witnesses a murder. 

The victim dressed in a white lab coat stumbles down the staircase and gives Davey a Cloak & Dagger video game cartridge telling him to keep it safe. The spies burst through the door at the top of the landing, and finish off their victim.

They see Davey, and begin shooting at him. Luckily he escapes.

Davey tells the building's security about what he witnessed, and leads them to where the victim was killed, but his body isn't there. 

The police take him home to his father, Hal (also played by Dabney Coleman).

Meanwhile, both he and his father are dealing with the loss of Davey's mother.  

Hal, who works as an Air Force pilot, is struggling at being a single parent. His job requires him to leave Davey alone much too often. 

When Davey tells his dad about what he witnessed, he thinks his son is acting out one of his Jack Flack fantasy adventures. Hal sees these fantasies as Davey's way of coping with the loss of his mom. 

Nevertheless, those same spies, led by a guy named Dr. Rice (Michael Murphy), find Davey and break into his house while his dad is at work. 

He escapes, and the pursuit is on. The spies want the game cartridge and are willing to do whatever they can to get it. Davey wants to figure out what national secrets are hidden and then turn it into the proper authorities. 

Davey often looks to his imaginary companion, who looks exactly like his father, for help along the way. 

Jack appears while Davey is trying to convince his dad about what he witnessed. Jack tells Davey that his dad is useless when it comes to any kind of help. 

Davey continues running and hiding throughout the city, narrowly escape bullets, hitmen, chasing, kidnapping, and close calls.  

He then takes the cartridge to Morris, who plays through the game and figures out how to access the secrets. 

Rice and the spies kidnap Kim and hold her until Davey hands over the game.

Dabney Coleman and Henry Thomas

It really gets intense, and Davey learns not everyone can be trusted. 

Coleman is great acting as two different characters distinctly. Jack is the leadership Davey is thriving for as his dad is struggling to be the support Davey needs. Yet, his words are clearly out of the mind of 11-year old Davey. Jack's actions and instructions reflect what an 11-year old would expect his hero to say. Coleman pulls that off well.

One scene that left me confused occurs during a stand-off between Davey and Dr. Rice. As Rice has a gun pulled on Davey, cornering him against a concrete wall, Davey also has a gun but is afraid to shoot first. Jack appears to Davey, encouraging him to hurry up and fire. 

Rice watches as Davey talks to someone he can't see. Jack then attempts to save Davey by becoming translucent and grab Rice's attention. Or so Davey is imagining.

But Rice turns towards Jack and fires several times, hitting the cement wall.  

So, could Rice suddenly see Jack, whom the audience is led to believe is Davey's imaginary friend? That entire scene threw me off.

But the love between Davey and his father unfolds well in the story, and both Thomas and Coleman depict their character's respective struggles with each other convincingly.   

Though Hal doesn't believe Davey's tale of murder, and being chased down by spies to capture government secrets hidden in a video game, he still shows the support Davey needs, especially in one scene were Davey asks his dad if he could sleep in his bed for the night. Hal agrees to it.

Christina Nigra plays a character who's just a typical kid. It's not a stand-out performance, nor does it need to be. But she plays her character as both exasperated and purposely trying to be as normal and straight and she can alongside Davey. Kim wants the adults to know Davey is the abnormal one, and she's there to watch over him. 

It's cute, just as it's meant to be.   

Cloak & Dagger was a favorite of mine growing up. Watching it more than 30 years later, there's certainly more to appreciate. 

The movie is based on Cornell Woolrich's novelette The Boy Who Cried Murder. And it's not the first screen adaptation of his story.

The 1949 film noir The Window starring Barbara Hale and Arthur Kennedy is the first. The 1966 British thriller The Boy Who Cried Murder is a remake of The Window. And the 1970 film Eyewitness has a similar plot to the original story. 

My mind lumps Cloak & Dagger with the movies Monster Squad (1987) and Flight of the Navigator (1986). These were titles that graced the family section of my old video rental store which caught my 10-year old attention. They were the movies I'd watch when I was home sick from school, or while stuck inside on a rainy weekend.

It's a fun movie. Cloak & Dagger is, however, a family movie that's dated in its violent depictions and use of guns. A few characters are shot and killed. Some might find Davey being shot at by adults rather disturbing. 

It doesn't necessarily standout for its somewhat predictable story elements. What does stand out is its depiction of family first through adversity, as well as trust. 

And somehow, this movie hasn't fallen into the nostalgic limelight among sentimental enthusiasts of pop culture from 30 years ago.  It has some memorable parts. It's a bit haphazard at times but makes up for it with good acting and intense action for a family picture - action that doesn't slow down.