The Paper (1994)

"Boy, sometimes you can just smell a horrendously shitty day on the way, can't ya!" 

Director

Ron Howard

Cast

Michael Keaton - Henry Hackett

Robert Duvall - Bernie White

Glenn Close -Alicia Clark

Marisa Tomei - Martha Hackett

Randy Quaid - Michael McDougal

Jason Alexander - Marion Sandusky

I wanted to post this review in October. Clearly, that didn't happen. 

I've seen Ron Howard's movie The Paper before on the library app, Hoopla. It has always been available on Hoopla for the four years I've used the app.

And then when I wanted to watch it again for the sake of writing a review, it wasn't there anymore. Typical!

Meanwhile, the majority of my movie loving attention during October and November was focused on horror. 

I started a horror film podcast to go with my horror film blog 1000daysofhorror.blogspot.com, so my attention has primarily been on that during the Halloween season.

However, this blog is still just as important to me. There's a lot of not-so-talked about movies out there for me to watch and review. 

My intention was to post at least one blog entry every month on here and on 1000DaysOfHorror.blogspot.com. Sadly, it just didn't happen here last October. 

November was a month of catching up on unfinished content, and movies to watch. Plus I took a vacation over Thanksgiving. 

Through it all, I tried and tried to obtain a copy of The Paper. I even had trouble trying to snag a copy at my local library. I waited an entire month for an Interlibrary Loan to arrive. Finally, I got it. 

As a former newspaper reporter, films about the field of journalism still grab my attention. I'm surprised this title seems too often overlooked among the litany of mass communication-centric movies like Citizen Kane, All the Presidents Men, Spotlight, Broadcast News, and The Front Page (a personal favorite). That's a bit unusual to me. 

The movie is entertaining, funny, and captures the vibe of a news room in such a superb way. Plus it has a cast of big name actors - Michael Keaton, Glenn Close, Robert Duvall, Marisa Tomei, Randy Quaid, Jason Alexander, and Catherine O' Hara. Also, it's directed by Ron Howard. This is no small production.

When the fantastic 2015 movie Spotlight, also starring Michael Keaton, was released, I asked a bunch of my journalism pals, including my editor at the time, if they heard of The Paper. I didn't get a single "yes." Not even an "oh, wait...I think I've heard of it." Everyone I asked seemed clueless. 

In The Paper, Michael Keaton plays news reporter Henry Hackett who puts in a lot of time and effort at his job with The New York Sun - a fictional tabloid paper. 

The film takes place in a 24-hour period as Hackett puts in a long day, receives low pay, and struggles with putting family before work. The amount of events that can take place in a newsroom in one working day could fill up a calendar. Often, it does.

His wife, Martha (Marisa Tomei), who's nine-months pregnant and ready to pop, knows what he's going through as she was in the news reporting field prior to her pregnancy. 

Glenn Close and Michael Keaton in The Paper (1994).

Regardless of being bothered by how much more attention he's been giving the paper, she's encouraging him to interview for a reporting job at the more respectable and better paying Sentinel newspaper. 

On top of all that, Hackett's editor-in-chief, Bernie (Robert Duvall) tells him in confidence that he has a prostate the size of a bagel, and wishes he had put his family over his career now that his health is on the line.
Financial problems loom over the paper as well. The managing editor, Alicia Clark (Glenn Close) - someone Hackett cares little to none for - begins implementing dreaded cutbacks around the office.

Meanwhile, a huge story unfolds as two young black teenagers find the bodies of two wealthy white businessmen gunned down in a car parked somewhere in Brooklyn. Racist anti-white slurs are spray painted on the vehicle to disguise the crime. And the murder weapon is laying near the car. 

The teenagers happen to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. 

Just as one of the teens is about to pick up the gun out of curiosity, not realizing what a big mistake that would be, a woman walking her dog spots them and cries for help. 

Scared, the teens run off. In no time, based on the witness's claims, the two of them are suspected of murder. The crime is quickly making headlines (except at the Sun) and their descriptions are all over the morning news.

Crime beat reporter Michael McDougal (Randy Quaid) tells Hackett he heard two officers chatting over the police scanner about the arrests being more of a PR move before a dispatcher cuts in to shut them up. This gets the ball rolling for Hackett.

While obsessing over the story, and trying to persuade others at the paper to cover the story with him, Martha is worried he'll bail on dinner with the parents. She also doesn't want him to blow the Sentinel's invitation for a job interview.

During that interview, Hackett tries to pursued the Sentinel editor, Paul Bladden (Spalding Gray) to give him a little of what the Sentinel has on the two dead guys. Of course, he won't budge on that. But while he's distracted, Hackett peeks at what Bladden has scribbled on his legal pad. It's a golden opportunity for the Sun. If Hackett chases the lead he stole from Bladden, it'll destroy his chances to work for the Sentinel. But the Sun can beat the competition with an accurate angle other papers surely won't have by the end of the day.

As the news story progresses, Hackett and his team just need confirmation for the stolen lead that the two dead guys were on a questionable payroll and may have lost a lot of money to less-than-savory people.

Bernie says if Hackett's story can't come to fruition, they'll just have to run an unrelated story. 

Martha steps in to help her husband by speaking with her friend in the Justice Department. He shows her records proving the two guys were bankers who helped themselves to a large sum of cash from an investor - a trucking company with links to the mafia.

Clark thinks Hackett is chasing a dead end and in no way can obtain what he needs by deadline. But Hackett persists, even telling the paper's new photographer, Robin, to get a great shot of the two teens on their perp walk from the court to the police car that'll take them to jail.

Hackett desperately tries to gain confirmation on what McDougal heard over the scanner. The cops just have to say it on record. The deadline, already extended, is coming up fast. Martha reminds him again that she expects him to be at the dinner with his parents. 

Of course he's fashionably late to the restaurant for dinner, and is clearly preoccupied with this news story sitting on his shoulders. 

Hackett can't sit still, and doesn't even make it through ordering. 

He excuses himself much to Martha's anger, and heads straight to the police precinct with McDougal to try and have an investigator, Richie, who's McDougal's police contact, give them the confirmation they need. 

After corning him in the men's room, Richie finally tells them what they need to hear. 

"These kids...they didn't do it." 

Now he has to put all the pieces together- Robin's photo (if she took a good one), confirmation the two dead guys were on the Sedona payroll and lost some money to the displeasure of the mob, and the innocence of those two teen bystanders. 

Robin miraculously snaps one good picture for page one. But Clark doesn't think Hackett is going to make it on time, especially since she thinks he's out having dinner with his wife. So, she runs the presses with Robin's photo and her own headling, "Gotcha!" 

Hackett gets back to the office, and realizes the presses are running. 

He tells Clark he has everything he needs, but she won't budge with "Gotcha!" Despite his protest that it's misinformation about two innocent kids, she's willing to run a correction the next day.

For her, the presses have to run. For Hackett, the extended deadline can be damned. He takes it upon himself to say what every reporter has dreamed of saying at least once in their career.

"Stop the presses!" 

Stopping the presses will cost the paper more money in production expenses and overtime pay for several employees. Nevertheless, the truth takes precedence, especially when the reputation of two individuals is on the line.  

The battle of wills erupt into a fist fight between Clark and Hackett. No other journalism movie has such an epic battle of wills like The Paper. 

Editors and writers often scream at each other. Even I've screamed at my former editor before. And if he's reading this, I still love you, man...and not just because you're reading my blog.

What takes place between Hackett and Clark goes beyond a mere screaming rumpus. Their clashing ideas on how to give readers what they need to know culminates to the highest point it can just short of murder. It's one of best scenes I've seen. 

I can't recall any other career-based movie that made me want to be in the story, working alongside the protagonist. 

Perhaps that's based on a bias of mine, having been a reporter albeit for a rag printed in a town with a population not even close to that of New York. Though I'm not currently a news reporter, it's left an indelible mark on my soul - a mark I received when first ordained into the calling of writing news that's fit to print. 

Michael Keaton and Lynne Thigpen

What makes this newspaper movie work is how it captures the energy and pressure of a news room. I can speak from experience about how that pressure has kept me up many a night. Writing for a newspaper is filled with uncertainty. And any good editor will tell you there's no room for uncertainty. 

Not getting the story is out of the question. I'll add Douglas Adams's quote here. "I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by." 

Readers are depending on the reporters. The newsroom is depending on reporters. The deadline is depending on them, too. As cliche' as it sounds, time is definitely of the essence. And nothing is more frustrating than having to depend on a public that generally couldn't care less about it any of it, unless of course the story will give them their coveted 15-minutes of fame. 

The movie captures all this beautifully! 

Keaton is perfect for his role. His sense of urgency mixed with his jumpy mannerisms, natural comedic talent, and exuberant jabber makes him well cast. Somewhere in this movie, I forgot I was watching Michael Keaton because he became a news reporter. 

Glenn Close's performance as a matter of fact boss who just wants to be part of the team, while still being seen and treated as the boss, works naturally off Michael Keaton. 

In one scene, she goes to Bernie to unload a bit about what is weighing on her shoulders. He reminds her of those old lessons practically every journalist hears more than once in their careers. Some of those lessons are easy to forget, such as when he says, "the people we cover, we move in their world, but it is their world!" 

Others are just hard truths we don't want to be reminded of, but we are nevertheless. This is especially true when the topic of money comes up, considering The Sun is running rather short on it.
"If you try to make this job about the money, you'll be nothing but miserable because we don't get the money. Never have. Never will," Bernie tells Clark.  

Inspired by The Front Page, this does have a well constructed modern take on the newsroom...for the nineties, of course.

The question of journalism ethics versus competition when it comes to a breaking story certainly isn't an original inquiry. They must always work together. Ethics can't be set aside because credibility takes effort to gain, is easy to lose, and isn't guaranteed to return when it's lost.

There are no slow moments in this movie. And if there is, the audience is still feeling the same crunch as Hackett and the crew.

Nothing in this movie outdoes the ending. The frustration between a writer wanting to convey a message to his audience against an editor's final say of what message will ultimately be distributed, can be can boil over quickly. 

And that's without a doubt one of the most shocking and hilarious moments I've seen in a movie. 

This ending deserves to be remembered among other noteworthy film endings. Yet, I don't think it is. And that's a shame. 

Like any credible newspaper with a team of writers who are on top of their game, this movie doesn't leave questions unanswered. 

I can relate to this movie. I can feel the apprehension and uncertainty. I recall the stress and the satisfaction of punching out one hell of a story. The shot nerves. The maddening frustration. Staring at a source and mouthing the words, "Say it. C'mon! Just say it!" I've been there. Ron Howard shows it just as it is.

Watching The Paper continues to instill in me a desire to do what I love to do- write as well as I can leaving no corner cut short.

The Great American Fourth of July and Other Disasters (1982)

"Americans measure their lives by holidays. Christmas. Easter. Birthdays. Thanksgiving. The Fourth of July. Like mile posts in the picket fence of the years that stretch on and on and on through our lives. But those holidays, when you're young, are the sweetest of all. You remember them forever."

Director

Richard Bartlett

Cast

Matt Dillon - Ralph Parker

James Broderick - The Old Man

Barbara Bolton - Mrs. Parker

Jay Ine - Randy

Babe Sargent - Ludlow Kissel

Jeff Yonis - Schwartz

William Lampley - Flick

Lisa Jacobsen - Pamela

With the pre-Christmas season upon us, my look into the "other" films of A Christmas Story's Ralphie Parker and the Parker family continues from my last posted review of The Phantom of the Open Hearth (1976). 

The Great American Fourth of July and Other Disasters aired on the PBS anthology series "American Playhouse" one year before the famed A Christmas Story was released in theaters and was initially labeled as a "sleeper film." By the way, movie critic Roger Ebert gave A Christmas Story four out of four stars and placed it on his list of "Great Movies." 

While watching this PBS film, I found myself falling into the same temptation I had while I sat and watched The Phantom of the Open Hearth.

Listening to Jean Shepherd narrate once again (his writing and wit I admire greatly), I wanted to scribble down all his words on paper. Of course, I didn't do that. Nevertheless, within the first three minutes of the movie I still managed to have a full notebook page of thoughts and things I wanted to say for this blog entry. My pen couldn't keep up with my mind's pace. 

Barbara Bolton and James Broderick return from The Phantom of the Open Hearth, which originally aired on another PBS anthology series called "Visions" as Mrs. Parker and the Old Man. 

A young Matt Dillon stars as Ralph Parker this time. He was last played by David Elliott. 

The movie starts with Jean Shepherd as an adult Ralph cruising along I-95 on his way to a fireworks warehouse called "South of the Border", the likes of which can still be found along the highways in, out of, and through the American Midwest. Large industrial cathedrals of American pyro-patriotism at "low prices that'll make your head explode." A Costco-esque extravaganza of crackers, garlands, and Black Cats, glowing like votive candles in the American ritual of independence. 

"You know, this joint makes Disneyland look as prosaic as Plainfield, New Jersey," he tells us as we sit in the passenger seat while he's barreling in his Rolls. 

Jean Shepherd

Shepherd wanders through the aisles with a small shopping cart full of large fireworks protruding out as he tells the audience how these are nothing compared to the big ones the Old Man used to shoot off on the 4th. 

"What is it about a solid molar-rattling explosion that sets the blood a'tingle and brings roses to cheeks?" 

We find a teenage Ralph working at the steel mill of Hohman, Indiana (a fictionalized town based on Shepherd's hometown of Hammond, Indiana near Chicago) in the middle of summer. 

He fancies himself a handsome catch despite his lack of interest in his friend Schwartz's persuading him to go on a blind date with his cousin, Pamela (Lisa Jacobsen). 

Ralph anticipates Pamela to be a more rotund figure with braces and thick glasses. Certainly not his type. 

Meanwhile, his Old Man buys an entire arsenal of fireworks for the July 4th spectacular. And Ralph has to practice for the local Independence Day parade as he's playing a sousaphone in the Hohman High School Marching Band.  

As Ralph agrees to go on this blind date, Pamela turns out to be a stunning blond gal. Along with Scwartz and his girlfriend, they all go to the movies for the evening. Ralph makes a klutz of himself by spilling his box of Good 'n Plenty on the floor when he's introduced to Pamela. His charming self-image comes out as awkward. During the show, Ralph doesn't help his awkward situation when he tries to pull the ol' arm around the shoulder bit. 

But Pamela puts the kibosh on that suave move when she tells him "don't be a child." Skunked!

Meanwhile, Mrs. Parker enters some sort of chain letter situation where she sends her washrags to someone else for reasons I couldn't quite figure out. This is much to the chagrin on Mr. Parker who can't find a single one to wash his face. But she suddenly inherits 17,900 washrags as a result of this chain.

And during the parade, the marching band's baton twirler accidentally launches one of his batons on to some power lines, causing a blackout across Hohman. 

The movie showcases the typical Americana happenings around the July 4th holiday with the same charm and reverence A Christmas Story does with the holiday season, and Ralphie's attempt to acquire the best Christmas gift he ever received, or would ever receive. 

There's a few quick familiar references fans of A Christmas Story will pick up on. For instance Ralph's little brother, Randy, asks his mom if he could buy a cherry bomb, only to be handed that famous line A Christmas Story managed to permanently fix into the cornucopia of movie catchphrases. In this case, it's the classic mother cherry bomb block - "You'll shoot your eye out." 

In the previous film, we saw the Old Man win his major award. This time, Mrs. Parker has her moment of success with her washcloth inheritance. She even gets her picture in the paper. A sulky dad stares at his wife, glowing with success, as Shepherd tells us, "The old man was really bugged. She won! She was famous for God's sake. The only thing he ever won was a stupid lamp, and nobody cared." 

And perhaps my favorite line in the movie was in reference to how much Randy could pull off whining, especially when it came to unwanted meals. 

His incessant mewling and whimpering is referred to as an "artform." 

"You wanted to kill him," Shepherd says. 

This, obviously, is referred to again in A Christmas Story when Randy (played by Ian Petrella) is enticed by his mother to imitate a little piggy so that he'll eat a plate of meatloaf he's otherwise disgusted by.

We're also treated to the story of Ludlow Kissel, the town drunk, and the incident of the bomb that "struck back." 

Matt Dillon as Ralph Parker

A perfect companion film to Phantom of the Open Hearth as it, too, turns the words of Shepherd into imagery of simplistic, glorious, American life and the freedom that comes with it. 

It's a view from the outside looking in, and Shepherd tells us in the audience to look at what we have here. How terrific it all is!

One scene shows the high school marching band practicing out on the football field as the steel mill sits monumentally just on the other side of the fence. Strong winds blow in from Lake Michigan with such intrusion and gusto, catching the sousaphones just right so that they start playing the students. 

Dillon's portrayal is certainly a stretch from Peter Billingsley's Ralphie, who's now an established image in American pop culture. Or, maybe it's the other way around as Billingsley's Ralphie didn't happen until the following year. That's certainly not a criticism. Of course, Ralphie in A Christmas Story is still in elementary school, and has his childhood innocence and blue-eyed look about him. It's the same role, but a different period of his life. The Ralph in The Great American Fourth of July and Other Disasters is much more present for the sake of Shepherd's narration. The stories are more memorable than Dillon playing Ralph. That's not to say he's a terrible Ralph Parker. Shepherd does more of the acting for him.

This is also James Broderick's last performance as he passed away the same year.

I was excited watching this movie. I was getting a whole new look at something I'm familiar with, and have loved for a few decades. Now, there's more to the story. There's more experiences with these familiar characters to appreciate and learn from. There's more to relate to. 

The Great American Fourth of July and Other Disasters, though it clearly has that early made-for-TV feel to it, still has the same style and nostalgic charm that A Christmas Story has. All the same feels are there, only it's surrounding our nation's birthday rather than Jesus'. 

Like I said in my previous review, fans of A Christmas Story should check this one out. It's too bad this film is as obscure as it is. These are the movies that ought to be packaged with A Christmas Story!

Editors Note:
The next movie in the Ralph Parker saga (as I'm calling it) is another American Playhouse production called The Star-Crossed Romance of Josephine Cosnowski. Originally airing on PBS Feb. 11, 1985, it's technically the first continuation to A Christmas Story. 

After that, I'll be looking at the made-for-TV movie Ollie Hopnoodle's Haven of Bliss which aired in 1988, and has been shown on the Disney Channel several times as well as on PBS. Following Ralphie and his family as they travel on their annual vacation, it too was directed by Richard Bartlett. I already wrote a review for the 1994 sequel to A Christmas Story called It Runs in the Family (aka My Summer Story) starring Kieran Culkin as Ralphie and Charles Grodin as the Old Man.

I'll end this exciting escapade by holding my nose and diving into the sludgy cash-grab of a flick that is A Christmas Story II. I'll have to do it fast so it won't hurt as bad...like tearing off a band-aid. So, that's the plan. Merry Christmas!  

The Phantom of the Open Hearth (1976)

"It all started for ol' Ralph back in the steal country. It all began here in that great inverted bowl of darkness. That stringent bowl of Omar Khayyam - the Midwest!"

Directors

Fred Barzyk and David R. Loxton

Cast

David Elliott - Ralph Parker

James Broderick - The Old Man

Barbara Bolton - Mrs. Parker

Adam Goodman - Randy Parker

William Lampley - Flick

Roberta Wallach - Wanda Hickey

I was meandering around the internet looking through movie websites when I stumbled upon a reference to a 1988 made-for-TV movie called Ollie Hopnoodle's Haven of Bliss. 

It sounded like something I could easily pass over. But one thing about it caught my attention. 

This forgotten TV movie, it turns out, might be the first sequel to the 1983 Christmas staple that is A Christmas Story which is based on the book In God We Trust, All Others Pay Cash by Jean Shepherd. 

Last April I posted a review to a 1994 comedy called It Runs in the Family (aka My Summer Story) which I mistakenly claimed is the first official sequel to A Christmas Story. I was irked, and still am, that the 2012 film A Christmas Story 2 claims to be the "official sequel." I'll deal more with this lie in a later post. 

Anyways, how wrong I was about My Summer Story. And I'll review Ollie Hopnoodle's Haven of Bliss in the weeks to come.

But as I dug a little deeper in trying to find a way to watch this TV movie, I made another discovery. 

In 1976, there was in fact a TV movie about Ralphie Parker (the main character of A Christmas Story) and his family also based on the works of Shepherd. Like A Christmas Story, it's narrated by Shepherd himself. 

This is The Phantom of the Open Hearth.

Incidentally, there was another made-for-TV movie released in 1985 (two years after A Christmas Story) called The Star-Cross Romance of Josephine Cosnowski which centers around Ralphie and the other characters from A Christmas Story. It, too, is based on the works of Jean Shepherd. I haven't watched it yet as I write this, but it might actually be the first sequel, technically speaking. Consider that last statement a disclaimer.

Directed by Fred Barzyk and David R. Loxton, Phantom of the Open Hearth was shown on a program called Visions- a weekly anthology series of original dramas and such that aired on PBS.

Barzyk would later direct The Star-Crossed Romance of Josephine Cosnowski which aired on another anthology series called American Playhouse. I'll watch and discuss that movie as well.

Loxton later directed the late, great Raul Julia in an American Playhouse production called Overdrawn at the Memory Bank (1983). Fans of Mystery Science Theater 3000 should be familiar with that oddity. 

The Phantom of the Open Hearth stars David Elliott as Ralph Parker along with James Broderick (Matthew Broderick's dad) as "the old man," Barbara Bolton as Ralphie's mom, Adam Goldman as Randy Parker, William Lampley as Flick, and Bryan Utman as Schwartz. 

The story takes place in 1950s Midwest (A Christmas Story is set in Hohman, Indiana) and of course centers on Ralph, a high school teenager, as he musters up courage and a plan to ask Daphne Bigelow to the Junior Prom. Off to the side, Wanda Hickey would sure like to go with Ralph. After all, she's had a crush on him since they were kids. 

Throughout the story, as Ralph fawns over Daphne and daydreams about taking her to the dance, other events are occurring in and around his typical teenage life.

For instance, his old man wins a "major award" (does that sound familiar?) which turns out to be a lamp in the shape of a woman's leg. And just like the infamous leg lamp of A Christmas Story, it meets its shattering demise after Mrs. Parker knocks it over. Was it an accident? Or was in an "accident?" 

Ralph also takes part in a church baseball game that turns into an all-out brawl. 

And lastly, his mother visits the local Orpheum movie theater each week as the theater manager gives away complimentary movie star tableware... the "dinner service of the stars." But due to a continual oversight, the weekly shipments turn out to be nothing but gravy boats week after week. 

Despite continual empty promises that the problem will be corrected and movie goers will receive their new dinnerware the following week, the audience full of angry housewives decide they've waited long enough. During the final theater scene, they chuck their 3rd, 4th, or 5th set of free gravy boats at the theater manager on stage, resulting in a cacophony of exploding china. 

James Broderick (left) as 'the old man' and
David Elliott as Ralph.

This same scene would later be reenacted in My Summer Story.

So, Ralph decides to ask Wanda to the prom despite his fawning for Daphne. as well as Wanda's simple appearance, Coke bottle classes, and neck-length curly black hair. Bravo, Ralph.

And it all goes smoothly until he, Schwartz, and Flick take their dates out to dinner after the prom. The night begins to turn sour as he leaves the roof of his dad's Oldsmobile down during the prom, while the sky decides to open up and pour, flooding the Olds.

The Phantom of the Open Hearth gives more insight into Ralph Parker. Though it came out eight years before A Christmas Story, it works in solidifying Ralph as a character, and provides more insight into his relationship with his "old man." 

It compliments A Christmas Story nicely in establishing a little more depth to the world of the Parkers. That's not to say A Christmas Story fails in anyway in establishing relatability or insight. Obviously, they're likeable characters the audience quickly relates to and cares about. The movie is still very popular, after all. 

This movie simply goes more into that by portraying these characters in different situations, and how they interact with their world around them. We're also introduced to different characters not portrayed in A Christmas Story. 

Of course, it's really A Christmas Story that gave audiences all that as it came out afterwards. I'm thinking backwards since this is the first I've heard of The Phantom of the Open Hearth.

It's the mind and wit of Jean Shepherd that ties these stories all together. 

If you haven't read Jean Shepherd, he's the Norman Rockwell of the printed word and of radio, having been a long-time radio personality. 

The character of "Ralph" acts as his eyes to Americana, down to the small, perhaps often overlooked joys and perks of life that are the glitter of freedom and patriotism. 

Watching this movie and listening to Shepherd narrate - his voice so familiar to me having watched A Christmas Story at least once a year for the last 35 years - I wanted to write down all his wonderful descriptions while he narrates as adult Ralph. 

For instance, in the movie he describes the "then and now" as "the glorious past and the crummy now." 

When we learn of Ralph's teenage crush on the beautiful Daphne Bigelow, Shepherd reminisces to the audience, "Even now, I can't suppress a fugitive shiver of tremulous passion and dark yearning." 

What a way to say, "yeah...I still think fondly of my old crush." 

That's what makes Shepherd a true classic in American literature and media. He is a genius when it comes to humor and narration. 

He has such a unique way of making the small things in life - a baseball game, a high school prom, that coveted toy we wanted so badly for Christmas, and the work that went into persuading our parents to get it - and distilling in the audience a sense of  relatability, nostalgia, and appreciation. 

He can craft a curious story around such simple things, turning them into events of great importance worthy of long lasting fondness. They're simply the things that remind us of how great life in America is. It's the "glorious past" which is begins in our "crummy now."

Everyone surely had a "Wanda Hickey" in there life who didn't go to the dance with them, or a memorable high school sporting event where something truly memorable happened like a team fight out near the shortstop. There's positivity in negativity - sometimes. 

Again, I wanted to write all his comments down while watching this, and I could have easily done so. 

Oh, and that infamous leg lamp... the movie has a more solid backstory as to what that image is all about.

I mentioned this in my previous post about A Christmas Story. That sexy leg, like on a statue. Yeah! A statue! It's a logo for Nehi (knee-high) soda. The "old man" drank it like water. 

So, the leg is one big ad for a soda. 

David Elliott as Ralph Parker.

"There it was. Nehi orange! It was so spectacularly gassy that violent cases of the bends were common among those who gulped it down too fast. It would clean out your sinuses faster than a Roto-Rooter," adult Ralph narrates in the movie. These lines are catchy just as his lines in A Christmas Story such as when he narrates in the latter film, "Only I didn't say 'fudge.' I said thee word. The big one. The queen mother of dirty words. The 'F dash, dash, dash word."

Shepherd's appreciation for life is drafted well in both movies. Each phrase of his is like a small love note to the past. 

Organ music serves as most of the soundtrack in various scenes. It's a little awkward and dated, but reminiscent of Shepherd's radio days. 

His radio stories were often accompanied by an organ like it would for a silent movie, to emphasize emotion - trepidation, failure, love, glee. 

The scene with Ralph volunteering to play on a church baseball league is fun to watch but doesn't serve much purpose to the overall story. It's just an event that happens as it leads to a team fight. It fits in style and wit, but felt like content filler. 

Maybe style is why it's included. After all, like A Christmas Story, it's a small detail about American homelife from an honest vantage point. Even in the good ol' days, fights broke out at church baseball games. 

Life was life back then, and still is in the "crummy now." That alone deserves attention and, maybe, some appreciation for whatever lessons we draw from it. We're all immersed in it.

In the end, after the prom, Ralph, Schwartz, and Flick take their dates out to a fancy dinner where Ralph orders a triple without any knowledge of what that actually consists of. He only knows "a triple" because he's heard his old man order the same drink over and over again.

Flick and Schwartz, just as ignorant as Ralph, order the same. 

With his first glass, he falls headfirst into the surreal realm of intoxication. The dream-like camera angles portray his drunken stupor, which is broken with quick scenes of an erupting volcano. 

Two triples in, the three boys soon find themselves crammed and huddled in a small bathroom stall puking up all their fun, and maybe some of the leftover fun from earlier in the week. The glory days weren't always glorious.  

Also, I read online that Ralph utters the famous line "oh, fudge" somewhere in this movie. I didn't catch that, but maybe it's in there. I watched an uploaded version of this movie on YouTube which was clearly recorded off television at some point. 

Anyhow, it's a shame Phantom of the Open Hearth is as obscure and forgotten as much as it is. Thankfully, it's not a lost film. 

Surely fans of A Christmas Story and Jean Shepherd should see it for themselves. This is the movie to pair with A Christmas Story instead of that terrible "official sequel" from 2012. 

I didn't understand the title Phantom of the Open Hearth after watching this. Who was the phantom, and what did any of this story have to do with hearths? 

Well, the hearth was often considered the center of a home as it was the location of warmth, light, food, and safety. This was before cell phones came along. A phantom is another word for a ghost. 

So, the ghost of the heart of a home? I conjecture that it's a clever way of referring to the ghosts of the past. I'll have to think about this for a bit. 

   

Editor's note;
It has been an entire month since I've reviewed any movies on this blog. During the month of October, I focused all my movie watching and writing time to my other blog 1000daysofhorror.blogspot.com, and its accompanying Podcast at anchor.fm/1000daysofhorror. 

I have no intention of neglecting this blog. So, with Christmas starting to show itself, I plan to look into Jean Shepherd's Ralphie Parker films mentioned above, including the *gag* movie I swore I'd never watch - A Christmas Story 2. Yep! I'm going to watch it. 

I include part two among Jean Shepherd movies only because the characters are based on his work. The sequel's story isn't based on any of his writing. But if I'm going to lambast it, the least I could do is watch it. I'm a glutton for punishment, I guess.

So, having written my thoughts as to whether A Christmas Story is a dumb movie or not, as well as reviewing its sequel My Summer Story, I'll add in the other Ralphie Parker sagas The Great American Fourth of July and Other Disasters, The Star-Crossed Romance of Josephine Cosnowski, and Ollie Hopnoodle's Haven of Bliss. Here's to you, Jean Shepherd! 

Jean Shepherd (left) in A Christmas Story

The Trouble With Angels (1966)

"I think I'm gonna kill myself." "Catholics aren't allowed to."

Director
Ida Lupino

Cast
Rosalind Russell - Mother Superior
Mary Clancy - Hayley Mills
June Harding - Rachel Devery
Marge Redmond - Sister Liguori
Barbara Hunter - Marvel-Ann

I'm dedicating this post to my truly better half, my wife Andrea, and her highly commendable taste in movies! I whole heartedly believe she was brought up with a much classier taste in films than my own.
I like what I like. But my wife has introduced me to some true classics as well as notable films - ones that I would have otherwise overlooked or just not taking any interest in on my own. There are a number of movies falling into this category, and one of those is the 1966 comedy The Trouble with Angels.
I first watched this movie with Andrea about eight years ago while we were dating. And then I watched it again last night at my lovely wife's request. I noticed much more after my second viewing.  
This movie certainly isn't obscure. And I came to a better understanding about the story while watching it for the second time. 
The movie opens as new students arrive to St. Francis Academy girls boarding school run by a religious order of Catholic sisters. 
Among these new students are Mary Clancy (Hayley Mills) and Rachel Devery (June Harding), who meet on the train heading to the station where the bus is scheduled to pick them up. 

They quickly become as thick as thieves, as they make it a point to get away with as much as they can without getting caught. 
The head of the Academy is the order's Mother Superior (Rosalind Russell) who runs a tight, respectable school while leaving some room for understanding.
The story follows Mary and Rachel through their academic years at the school, while pulling pranks on the nuns and consistently getting in trouble. 
Mary obviously doesn't care much for authority, and can't figure out why any woman with an ounce of self respect and taste for life would want to be a nun. Rachel follows suit, of course. 
Talk is cheap when it comes to Mother Superior's lessons. As the school years roll by, Mary watches the examples of the sisters' selflessness, charity, compassion, guidance. She also gains an understanding on the necessity of rules. Mother Superior watches Mary's knack of observation and doesn't interfere.
On graduation day, Mary makes a decision that leaves Rachel in shock and dismay. 

June Harding, Hayley Mills, and Rosalind Russell.

With its innocent comedy centered on a Catholic girls boarding school, and Hayley Mills in the central role, I initially thought this was a Disney movie. After all, Mills starred in some iconic Disney films in the 1960s such as Pollyanna, The Parent Trap, The Moon-Spinners, and That Darn Cat!
What makes the comedy stand out is the genuine approach to the relationship between Mary and the Mother Superior. 
At first, to Mary, the Mother Superior is just an authority figure stamped from the same press all other authority figures come from. 

Mary discovers this authority figure, who can be staunch and strict, also has emotions and is affected by her students just as much as the students are affected by her.  
But to the Mother Superior, Mary, though a cross to bear with the constant jokes and trouble making (trouble such as smoking cigars in the basement producing enough smoke to fool one of the other sisters to call the fire department, or attempting to skip swimming lessons for their entire time at St. Francis's Academy) she sees a child who not only deserves consequences for her actions, but also deserves understanding and empathy. 
Rather than chalking Mary and Rachel up to just being "bad kids," the Mother Superior learns where they're coming from. She doesn't deal with them because she has to. Rather, she wants them around regardless. 

She'll reprimand when the time calls for it. During the rest of the time, she leads by example rather than preaching. 
The comedy may be a bit dated at times, but as Russell once put it, "it's the sort of movie you can take the kiddies to and which isn't pure corn."
I still laughed at some of the jokes and remarks between the young and progressive-ish school girls, and the traditional Mother Superior.
The storyline is still enjoyable and relatable even for anyone who's been through Catholic schools. The Trouble With Angels is based on a book called Life With Mother Superior by Jane Trahey in which she details her experiences attending a Catholic School in the Chicago area. 

You just haven't lived until you've spent time in a Catholic school. For me, it was a boys boarding school. Who am I trying to fool? You probably have lived if you've never attended a Catholic school!

Hayley Mills, June Harding, and Rosalind Russell work so well off each other as their characters develop through the story, semester by semester. Their chemistry on the screen still holds up. 
The film manages to keep a steady pace without going overboard with ridiculous comedy and repetition. Nor does it fall into painful predictability. I mean, obviously the girls are going to get caught in their misdeeds. There's enough human element to give the story life so it doesn't become stagnant and, again, repetitive.  
Joy can be found in places you'd never think of looking. This movie certainly makes that clear.

The 1968 sequel, Where Angels Go, Trouble Follows is, in short, a boring waste of time. But that's another post for another day...maybe.

Stay Tuned (1992)

"They say the average American watches 7.5 hours of T.V. a day. If that's true, there are two guys who never watch, and my dad took their times." 

Director

Peter Hyams

Cast

John Ritter - Roy Knable

Pam Dawber - Helen Knable

Jeffrey Jones - Spike

David Tomb - Darryl Knable

Heather McComb - Diane Knable

Eugene Levy - Crowley

Among the cinematic comedy corridors of the late 1980s through 1990s, some movies are fondly remembered more than others. Some movies obtain a "cult following" - groups of passionate fans dedicated to a body of work despite how poor or unpopular that work generally is. And other movies are just remembered because a few happened to catch it in theaters upon its release, or saw it on T.V. once. These latter titles stay in people's collective memories as "that one thing with that one guy I remember seeing." 
Stay Tuned is definitely in the latter. I saw this in the theater when it came out. And between 1992, to watching it last night, I only remembered John Ritter and the film's Wayne's World spoof. 
In the movie, John Ritter plays salesman Roy Knable who struggles at his job during the day only to plant himself in front of the TV at night and tune out the rest of the world.

His wife, Helen (Pam Dawber) feels Roy is neglecting his family as she wants to plan a getaway with just the two of them. They both have a fight, and Helen throws a trophy into Roy's T.V. set. 

Still, he uses the broken set as a stand for a small T.V. he keeps upstairs. 

Meanwhile, Mr. Spike (Jeffrey Jones), a TV. salesman straight from hell, appears at Roy's front door with a special offer - a brand new T.V. and satellite which will provide the Knable house 666 channels to choose from. 

While Roy isn't interested at first, Mr. Spike offers him a free trial, and offer Roy can't refuse. 

Spike sets up a large screen T.V. in Roy's living room, and a satellite dish in the backyard.   

Roy is anxious to see what this new setup has to offer, and finds the programs are Hell-ish, satirically evil versions of familiar programs and movies. 

When Pam sees the new television and satellite, she starts packing and attempts to leave. 

But when the argument finds its way into the backyard, Pam and Roy get sucked into the satellite dish, and end up in Hell's T.V. lineup. 

We see Spike and others running Hell's cable network monitoring souls stuck in the programs as he tells a new employee that souls have 24-hours to survive programming before they can return to earth. Otherwise, they're in eternity for...eternity. 

Their son Darryl (David Tom) soon discovers what happened to his parents as he finds them on T.V. He tries to convince his older sister, Diane (Heather McComb), that their parents are trapped in the television, but she obviously doesn't believe him.

After almost getting sucked into the satellite dish himself, it's clear to Darryl how they ended up inside the T.V.

As Diane is taking advantage of their parents absence by having friends over, it takes a while before she learns for herself where they went. 

And while Roy and Diane are trapped in the television, they jump from demonic-ish themed spoofs of Pro-wrestling, Northern Exposure, a cat and mouse cartoon animated by the legendary Chuck Jones, Wayne's World, a game show, and Driving Miss Daisy among other shows and movies.  

Meanwhile, Spike fires a network employee named Crowley (Eugene Levy) and sends him into the system.  

Pam Dawber and John Ritter

Crowley randomly bumps into Roy and Helen and helps them when he can to spite Mr. Spike for letting him go. Roy and Helen attempt to survive each deadly program after another hoping they'll make it out after 24-hours. 

It's only recently that I've started to appreciate the late John Ritter's comedy. He's the everyday guy who lets life happen to him when it does. And the small, perhaps unusual, circumstances and events he takes as normal and understood. He may not be hysterical, but his comedy makes me smile.

The comedy certainly makes this movie dated. I can't imagine anyone born after 1990 taking any interest in watching Stay Tuned. It's like a kid turning on one of those Bugs Bunny cartoons from the 1940s were celebrities of the era are caricaturized. Not too many children today watching such a cartoon would recognize Jack Benny, or Humphrey Bogart, or Harpo Marx. Still, you'll catch these cartoons at random still played on television, and they're still funny regardless.

Even the term "stay tuned" seems outdated as its not a staple of modern streaming services. That's certainly not a strike against the film, though. 
The beginning of the move is narrated by Darryl, which seems superfluous to me. The movie is all visual which makes it easy for the audience to figure out the premise rather quickly. We don't need a narrator.  
The emotional ties among the family are forced, and thrown in at what seems like the last minute in an attempt to add some depth. 
The movie depends primarily on the Hell themed spoofs of pop culture up to 1992. 

One scene in the movie that made me laugh pretty hard, Roy finds himself on the set of the sitcom Three's Company. John Ritter starred on the series as Jack Tripper from 1977 to 1984. So, when he lands in the middle of the show, he falls over the sofa as the show's opening theme song plays. As he stands up, the sitcom's characters Janet and Chrissy come through the front door and ask "where have you been?" 

Roy then screams at the camera before jumping to a new program. 

Still, the movie has a very nostalgic charm to it, and the comedy is there. The pace and variety certainly work in its favor, entertainment wise. It's unique for sure, though the 1989 comedy UHF is somewhat similar with spoofing pop culture  programs and movies via a television network.

Stay Tuned just puts a demonic spin to it.

For what it is, this movie works as it's obviously the satire it's selling to the audience. And it delivers. 

It tries to preach a lesson in how many hours the average American spends watching T.V. (today, that would be replaced with Social Media) which tears down social interactions. Here, Helen and Roy are forced to communicate and work as a team because of T.V. 

And for all practical purposes, the movie pulls off the lesson. It's not a hard lesson to teach. 

It's fun to watch, though the comedic visuals may fly over the heads of younger viewers. 

Barbarella: Queen of the Galaxy (1968) - Comic to Movie #9

"Don't you agree with me that in some things the old fashioned ways are best after all?" 

Director 

Roger Vadim

Cast

Barbarella - Jane Fonda

Pygar the Angel - John Phillip Law

Anita Pallenberg - The Great Tyrant

Marcel Marceau - Prof. Ping

Milo O' Shea - Concierge 

It has been a month since I've posted a review. Life needed to be tended to. Vacations needed to be taken. Other things needed to be done. That's my excuse. 

But life for me is slowly getting back to normal (more or less.) My pursuit of watching obscure or not-so-widely discussed comic book based movies continues, among other reviews both here and on my horror blog www.1000daysofhorror.blogspot.com, with the 1968 science fiction fantasy (heavy emphasis on the word "fantasy" - the kind that would land a good ol' Catholic boy into the confessional) Barbarella. 

It's based on the French comic series by Jean-Claude Forest about a young woman who has a variety of adventures as she travels to different planets. 

Each adventure is laced in erotic overtones and sexual escapades in some form or another. And the movie definitely follows in style. 

In the movie, there's subtle and not-so-subtle imagery and innuendos from the beginning astronaut strip tease during the credits until the very last scene.

Though I haven't read the comic series, the movie is a fetish filled fantasy that I can only call a hallucinogenic driven far-out fever dream. 

Jane Fonda portrays Barbarella as an innocent yet determined damsel, wide-eyed, and surrounded by one perversion after another which, though resolute in her mission, she doesn't necessarily turn her back to. The style and atmosphere is unique, unforgettable, campy, cheap, colorful and again, sprinkled with innuendos. Barbarella is very much a movie of its late-1960s period. 

The movie takes place in an unspecified time in the future where Barbarella, an astro-navigator flying her own shag carpeted spaceship equipped with an A.I. computer and impressionist art work, is interrupted from her idyllic lifestyle by an urgent message from the President of Earth. 

He assigns her the task of searching for the villainous Dr. Durand Durand whose hungry like the wolf. (Just kidding. See what I did there?) 

I'll add that the British rock band Duran Duran took their name from Barbarella as they used to perform at an English night club called...you guessed it...Barbarella's.   

Anyways, Dr. Durand Durand has invented the positronic ray - a laser powered super weapon Earth leaders are scared is going to end up in enemy possession.

Barbarella takes on the mission, and travels to a realm called Tau Ceti's 16th planet. She crash lands, and discovers two young twin girls who take her to a group of other children by way of skis pulled by an octopus-looking creature along a frozen lake.

The group of children bind her up, and attack her with mechanical killer dolls bearing razor sharp metal teeth.

She's rescued by a catchman named Mark Hand who patrols the frozen areas looking for delinquent children. 

Barbarella asks Mark if he knows Durand Durand and he informs her the doctor is in a city called Sogo.

Grateful for Mark's help, Barbarella asks how she can repay him. And he blatantly asks if they can make love. He doesn't hesitate. Bold move, Mark. 

Jane Fonda as Barbarella.

In this futuristic earth, sex is no longer physical. Rather, couples take a pill to simulate sexual feelings together.

But Mark is old fashioned and Barbarella agrees to do it "the old fashioned way." So, they do, and after she believes pills are no longer as good as the real thing. 

When all is said and done, she takes off for Sogo where she again crash lands. 

Sogo is a labyrinth city whose residents are made up of outcasts and rejects from other parts of the galaxy.

In her quest to find Durand Durand, Barbarella meets a blind angel named Pygar (John Phillip Law) who doesn't know the doctor. Instead he takes her to meet Prof. Ping (Marcel Marceau) who repairs her damaged ship. 

Ping also encourages her to search for Durand Durand in the main part of Sogo. 

She asks Pygar if he'll fly her there as he is an angel. However he can't fly despite having wings as his ability to fly depends upon his will power, which is diminished.

So, to bolster up his will power, Barbarella offers to have sex with him. One thing leads to another as it usually does in promiscuous situations like this, and he flies her to the main area of Sogo.

While there, both she and Pygar are captured by the "black queen", also called "the Great Tyrant of Sogo", and her crew.

To get away, the two enter a chamber where people go to die while experiencing the utmost pleasure they can physically feel.

Underneath the floor is a bubbling liquid called Matmos, which is collected living energy from evil thoughts and desires. It's used as Sogo's power source. 

But Barbarella and Pygar are captured by the concierge (Milo O' Shea) of the black queen. 

Pygar is mockingly crucified, and Barbarella is (I kid you not) placed in a glass cage and attacked by parakeets. Yes! Parakeets. Real ones, too. I don't know if I was supposed to laugh at this, but I did. Parakeets used as instruments of torture.

Anyways, she's rescued by the leader of an underground rebellion against Durand Durand. And this guy's name is (again, I kid you not) Dildano, played by David Hemmings.

Together, they find out who Durand Durand is, and along with the rescued Pygar, will fight to take him down. 

Barbarella may sound like some kind of porn adventure, but it barely falls short of being such a film despite the sexual promiscuity throughout. Sex is done behind closed doors and spaceships. And nudity is barely hidden. That's no defense, by the way. 

I couldn't look away from the movie. Not because of all the sexual subtleties, but because of the story and the psychedelic set pieces. To say this movie is trippy would be an understatement. 

It still manages to be incredible and imaginative despite its many low-budget effects. There were no slow moments. It flows at a rather steady pace.

The storyline is certainly not complex. And it's adventurous for sure. The effort went into the set work and most of the effects. Also, it's certainly very imaginative all while not leaving much to the audience's imagination thanks in large part to Jane Fonda being, well, Jane Fonda. 

The acting seems mundane and scripted. Even Jane Fonda seemed distant and uninterested many times through. She often seemed too intent on properly pronouncing the pseudo scientific lines.
Surely, audiences at the time were too turned on to care whether Fonda, scantily clad throughout, was convincing in her acting or not. 

The character Barbarella, both in the comic and in this movie, takes a lot of inspiration from Flash Gordon. But her creator took a lot more inspiration from international sex symbol Brigette Bardot. 

In fact, it was Bardot's former husband, Roger Vladim, who cast Jane Fonda in the starring role as Fonda was his wife at the time. 

Barbarella came out the same year the TV series Batman was in its final season. So, there is a similar tone and style with the series. But unlike Batman, this is definitely geared towards adults, just as the comic is. 

The movie's Producer Dino De Laurentiis's name is also attached to a later comic-based movie, Flash Gordon (1980) along with other well known movies. 

But it's no surprise Roger Vadim sat in the director's chair has his name is also found among sensual sounding titles such as The Hot Touch, Night Games, and Pretty Maids All in a Row. 

Barbarella is certainly unique in its place among other comic based movies, even today. Of course, part of that is due to its being a product of its decade.

There's something to see in every scene, and I say that despite my comment sounding like a euphemism. 

For comic enthusiasts, it would be something to watch simply for its uniqueness in style. Otherwise, its just a mere psychedelic space trip frat boys or a bachelor party would enjoy more than general audiences.

America 3000 (1986)

Follow the president! 

Director

David Engelbach

Cast

Chuck Wagner - Korvis

Laurene Landon - Vena

William Wallace - Gruss

Sue Giosa - Morha

Steve Malovic - Aargh the Awful

I first laid eyes on the "glorious and most epic" video cover for the 1986 movie America 3000 on Cinemassacre's Rental Review of "Crazy VHS Cover Art." Actually, I never heard of it until then. 

Just looking at the poster for America 3000 calls to mind many often deservedly overlooked shelf-warming VHS tapes from the old days of video rental stores. All those obscure, low-budget, z-grade films like Ricky, My Pet Monster, Rad, Up the Academy, and those Dorf movies with Tim Conway made me wonder "when did this come out?" and "was this ever in theaters?"

Incidentally, I've come up with a list of movies to watch and review based solely on the video covers I remember seeing at California Video at the Lincoln Square Shopping Center - the video rental store in my old Bay Area neighborhood. These are movies I wasn't able to rent because I was either too young or just not interested. The cover images still somehow remain in my memory. 

The titles I came up with include Eating Raoul, One Crazy Summer, Can't Buy Me Love, House [aka Ding Dong Your Dead], April Fool's Day, The Company of Wolves, Teen Wolf 2, Opportunity Knocks, D.A.R.Y.L., The Dirt Bike Kid, and Explorers among others. 

America 3000 takes place in Colorado, in a post-apocalyptic wasteland once called the United States. It's 900 years after a nuclear war, referred to as "The Great Nuke." Humanity, or what's left of it, lives in stone age conditions among a few tidbits of the past such as stereo systems, fireworks, verbiage, and a children's alphabet book. And men and women are separated into camps based on their gender. 

The women, referred to as "fraus" (I think that's spelled correctly) are determined, organized, skilled, and have a hierarchy within their camps. They remind themselves through recitations that the men, called "plugots," are their enemies who have brought darkness over the realm. They keep some men enslaved, and divide their male slaves, "seeders," into functional groups - laborers, servants, and those whose function is to father children. 

Some men are used for pleasure, and they're referred to as "toys."

There are various clans made up of fraus who seem relatively friendly with other clans. 

Meanwhile, the men have their own camp called "Camp Reagan" which they continuously build upon. Some men live outside the camps. These are more brutish and blindly follow their appetites like animals, and are no match against the women's camp. The fraus call them "machos." 

Aargh the Awful (Steve Malovic)

Other men are determined to seek out knowledge, and defend themselves against the women. They also develop plans to free those who have been enslaved. 

In the movie's central women's camp, their leader dies and a new leader is chosen. One of the fraus grows jealous of the newly appointed leader and...that jealousy doesn't really go anywhere. 

While that's going on, two men called Korvis and Gruss search the outer areas of their camp for items. By the way, the fraus have a rule never to go near the plugot's camp.
Anyways, Korvis and Gruss find a child's alphabet book and Korvis realizes when reading it that he's actually called a man, and not a "plugot." This creates a spark of self-realization inside him that'll drive Korvis to one-up the fraus. 

Later, following an attack on the women's camp to free the slaves, Korvis is chased and shot by one of the women with a makeshift pistol that shoots small spears. He falls several feet through a cave and inadvertently discovers an old bunker that belonged to the President of the United States. Inside, he finds military weapons, including laser guns, the likes of which he's never seen before. It's a small look into life before "the great nuke." 

With his new discoveries, Korvis makes a plan to free all enslaved men, scare the women's camp, and eventually teach men and women how to love each other. He uses the items he finds in the bunker to pull this off. 

The characters use a lot of slang in the movie, which they give some explanation to through narration. The narration is spoken in a way that doesn't match the dialogue of the characters. While their dialogue is post-apocalyptic, the narration is sounds like they found a random off the street who got excited to be a part of something outside his normal life. The slang, too, was confusing but I caught on to it by the end. 

The term "hot" refers to intense situations. And "cold" means dead. "Woggos" means something is crazy. And "plastic" means something is incredible and awesome. The characters go out of their way to say these words too often.

There are "old" terms used among their slang, which is a little creative, but that's not saying much. Words like "president" and "solemn swear" and a ton of Cold War references are used.  

The storyline is imaginative and a bit intrepid in a way. It seems like pointing out the differences in men and women is bound to irritate someone, but whatever.
Somewhere in the story line is commentary about the differences of the sexes, the role men and women play in society, ending on a moral high note not too far from the line "can't we all just get along." America 3000 is very much a period film, while trying to be hip (because 80s) and sexy enough to try gaining the audience's attention. 

There's a lot of battles, and fighting, and explosions, and robust women fighting muscular sweaty men, and more fighting. 

Susan Giosa as Mohra.

There's also a monstrous malformed creature called "Aargh the Awful" who's some kind of byproduct of the nuclear war fallout. 

I wish I saw more of him. He was so out of place and odd, and really served no purpose. Still, he was entertaining in that typical 80s mascot buddy - ugly on the outside but all heart on the inside like Chunk from The Goonies. Only, Aargh serves far less purpose in the actual story. 

While this is Director David Engelbach's only movie, he was a writer for other movies such as Over the Top and Death Wish II. He also wrote for the show MacGyver. 

It seems this movie tried to be ambitious, but fell very short on seriousness and acting. Nothing impressed me except for the effort to tell an intriguing and extremely imaginative interpretation of what America would look like after a Nuclear war. 

For fans of obscure flicks, America 3000 could very easily appease. Otherwise, it's just another victim left in the heap of forgotten 80s shlock that will likely die with its generation of 80s movie aficionados. 

Don't Fast Forward This One: Ten Movies I'd Like to See Remade, Rebooted, or Sequeled

I believe there's a current misconception that movie remakes and reboots are a somewhat new concept Hollywood implemented because they're out of ideas. 

The truth is remakes are as old as movie making itself. 

If I mention The Wizard of Oz, surely the first thing that comes to anyone's mind is the 1939 movie with Judy Garland. Of course it would be. It's a great movie. It's known around the world. It's one of those movies that's almost mandatory viewing.  

But what about the 1910 silent movie The Wonderful Wizard of Oz? How many people know that exists? 

There's also the 1925 silent movie The Wizard of Oz starring none other than Oliver Hardy of Laurel and Hardy. By the way, it also stars actress Mary Carr who later acted with Laurel and Hardy in their 1931 movie One Good Turn as well as their 1932 movie Pack Up Your Troubles - the latter was my first review for this blog. So, technically the famous version of The Wizard of Oz is a remake.

Incidentally, 1910 also saw the release of a horror movie called Frankenstein. That was just a little over 20 years before Boris Karloff made his iconic version of the monster in 1931's Frankenstein.

And speaking of the 1931 movie Frankenstein, a series of sequels followed that movie - Bride of Frankenstein, Son of Frankenstein, The Ghost of Frankenstein, Frankenstein Meets the Wolfman, House of Frankenstein, and Frankenstein Saves Christmas. 

(O.k., I made that last title up.) 

But House of Frankenstein spawned a sequel of its own called House of Dracula. And there was also the comedy Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein which starred Boris Karloff. 

So, sequels (or money makers, or cash grabs...call them what you will) are as old as the industry.   

A remake or reboot doesn't necessarily mean the original is lacking. I doubt that's always, if not often, the reason movies get the remake/ reboot treatment. Rather, it's merely a retelling of a story. Remakes and reboots take nothing away from original movies. They're still there, and they're still loved and watched. Plus, there's enough movie fans out there curious enough to see new versions of old classics to make reboots profitably worth it. 

There are some rare instances were remakes are better than the original movies, and leave the originals in a pile of forgotten films. Audiences remember the 1980 comedy Airplane! more than the 1957 movie Zero Hour! which it's based on.   

So, there's a few titles I'd like to see rebooted, or remade, or just given a sequel.  

And I'll start with that Laurel and Hardy movie I just mentioned.

Pack Up Your Troubles (1932) - I recently watched the movie Diary of a Wimpy: The Long Haul. 

Anyways, it dawned on me it's loosely based on Laurel and Hardy's 1933 movie Sons of the Desert. 

My hunch was confirmed when a clip from that movie appeared in Diary. Otherwise, the movie was terrible, and I don't want to talk about it anymore. 

As I said, Pack Up Your Troubles was my first entry on this blog. I included it because, aside from being Laurel and Hardy's second feature length film, it also includes subject matter that's rather dramatic for a typical slapstick Laurel and Hardy movie. 

I don't think a straight up comedy remake of this movie would sit well with modern audiences as it involves an orphan girl whose father is killed during World War I, and whose mother has abandoned her prior to her father's death. 

Rather, I think a movie such as this could easily inspire similar stories if it hasn't already. In the movie, Stan and Ollie take it upon themselves to search for the girl's grandparents by asking every person they can find with the last name "Smith" (one of the most common names in the history of last names) to inquire if the girl's father "Eddie Smith" is their son. 

I think the story line is very unique and something worth exploring for a modern drama, especially with the dawn of the internet. Maybe a comedy would work. I mean, it worked back then. I leave that up for producers to decide.

The NeverEnding Story (1984) - Anyone who read the book The NeverEnding Story by Michael Ende is aware the 1984 movie only tells half of the story, and leaves out a considerable amount of adventures and circumstances. 

That doesn't make the movie bad. There's just so much more material to re-imagine. 

Ende, who published the book in 1979, hated the movie. He had some harsh words to say about it. For instance, regarding the Sphinx gates Atreyu must pass through in the film, Ende commented that, "The Sphinxes are quite one of the biggest embarrassments of the film. They are full-bosomed strippers who sit there in the desert."

He also said The NeverEnding Story was "disgusting," and accused producers of ruining his story just for the money. 

Ende said they didn't understand the central themes of his book. 

Meanwhile, the film's director, Wolfgang Peterson, said the rights to the story are in some sort of litigation limbo, the end of which isn't on the horizon. 

So, based on that, I doubt a remake will happen anytime in the foreseeable future...if ever. 

As Peterson told Entertainment Weekly, "It is my understanding that some films you should just leave alone, and that's how I feel about this film." 

I respect that mentality. 

Of course I have a "but," otherwise I wouldn't be blogging about this.

Where the movie leaves off with Atreyu finding the Childlike Empress is actually the middle of the book. 

Though it's a great, entertaining and enjoyable film, a remake which includes more elements and characters from the book has a lot of potential for success. 

For instance, in the book, Atreyu first meets Falcor the Luck Dragon after rescuing him from the web of a giant spider named Ygramul the Many. 

Also in the book, Bastion fails to give the Childlike Empress her new name. So, she has to search for "the Old Man of Wandering Mountain" to choose her new name. Well, on second thought, maybe that part wouldn't sit well with audiences.

Anyways, a remake could certainly be made in two or three parts similar to Peter Jackson's Lord of the Rings trilogy.

I think a remake could be fantastic, and introduce audiences and fans to a lot of new characters and story elements offered in the book.  

I know there's a NeverEnding Story II and, as I just learned only few years ago, a NeverEnding Story III. Let's just pretend those don't exist - especially part 3. 

In the meantime, I suppose the best way to be introduced to everything The NeverEnding Story has to offer is to read the book in some cozy corner.

Firestarter (1984) - Based on Stephen King's 1980 novel, Firestarter, this movie already spawned a 2002 sequel in miniseries form called Firestarter: Rekindled. I've seen the movie but not the sequel.

The 1984 film starring Drew Barrymore, Heather Locklear, Martin Sheen, George C. Scott and even Art Carney is a movie about a young girl who can ignite fires with the power of her mind. It's kind of like King's story Carrie but in Firestarter, all the girl, Charlie McGhee (Drew Barrymore), can do is start fires.

It's a decent but underrated film. It didn't initially perform particularly well either. 

I particularly like George C. Scott who makes a great antagonist in this story. 

But in the wake of a Stephen King renaissance with many of his book to movie adaptations, and remakes of previous King films, Firestarter could be a great modern showcase of special effects. There's plenty of room to recreate and popularize a not-so-well known King character like Charlie McGhee. 

A retelling could make a very compelling and intense movie for modern audiences. And with special effects more special now, there's promise for a great and memorable film. As long as there's good writers on-board, of course. 

  

The Haunted Mansion (2003) - When I went to see The Haunted Mansion in theaters back in 2003, I ignored the possibility that Eddie Murphy's presence in the movie could be a terrible casting decision. 

Based on the attraction at Disneyland and Walt Disney World, I had a lot of expectation that The Haunted Mansion would be a great movie, especially after the success of The Pirates of the Caribbean, also based on a Disney attraction. 

The visuals from the Haunted Mansion ride, and the on-screen possibilities surrounding what the ride features is immense. 

There has been a lot of talk about director Guillermo del Toro making a new Haunted Mansion movie completely separate from the 2003 film. With his love and appreciation for the ride, and for Disney, along with his masterful talent, a reboot possibility has "fantastic" written all over it. 

The 2003 movie was an absolute showcase of terrible movie making. 

As talented and funny as Eddie Murphy is, casting him was completely out of place. And the entire experience really cheapened the historic Disney ride, turning the ever popular scenes from the attraction into laughable gimmicks on the screen. 

The writing was bad. The casting was poor. The movie was a disgrace to the classic ride developed by Walt Disney himself. It deserves treatment from someone who can and will show it the appreciation and respect it deserves - Guillermo del Toro!

Gremlins (1984) - There are some movies I love to write fan fiction novels for. I mean, I just jot down notes and paragraphs, and conjure up what-if scenarios in my head. One of those movies I've had ideas about is Gremlins. 

I'd love to explore the story before the story - the origin of Mogwais and if there's any Chinese lore behind them. 

As they multiply in water, are there any liquids or substances that would make them do something else? Or if they ate specific things after midnight, would they morph into something different than a gremlin? What about Mr. Wing's grandson who surreptitiously sold the Mogwai to Billy's dad in the beginning of part one? Let's bring him back.

In Gremlins 2, Gizmo gets wet after a malfunctioning water fountain shoots water far into the air, landing on Billy Peltzer's drawing on his work desk. 

The water, looking like it mixed with paint from the picture, runs off the easel and splatters on Gizmo's head. The Mogwai's that pop out of Gizmo are rather unique and "colorful" in personality. 

So, how would other substances effect the offspring of a wet Mogwai? 

There's a lot of possibilities to make a prequel film. 

There is an upcoming animated program called Gremlins: Secrets of the Mogwai scheduled to debut on HBO Max. According to various sources online, it's supposed to be set in 1920s Shanghai, China. I'm game! 

Escape From Alcatraz (1979) - I'm surprised a remake to Clint Eastwood's 1979 movie Escape From Alcatraz, based on the true event surrounding the penitentiary's most famous escape attempt of 1962, hasn't been done yet. 

While the movie is classic and entertaining, it's also a bit slow in its pacing. I'll add it's also pretty accurate.

Escape From Alcatraz is a movie that really deserves a remake. The true story is very captivating and amazing. 

The question of whether former Alcatraz inmates Frank Morris (played by Eastwood in the original movie), and brothers John and Clarence Anglin actually made it through the frigid waters of the San Francisco Bay on their makeshift rafts is one the most compelling mysteries in prison break history. And it's a unique part of San Francisco's history.

I believe new evidence has surfaced (no pun intended)  since the movie's release that the escapees very possibly survived. These stories could certainly be included in a remake, making a new movie much more fascinating and engaging. 

As of 2009, the case remains open as the FBI handed over the case to the U.S. Marshall's Service. 

I certainly believe a modern adaptation of Escape From Alcatraz would work well with modern audiences. 

Creepshow (1982) - The 1990 movie Tales From the Darkside (based on the anthology TV series by George Romero) was, I hear, supposed to be a third Creepshow movie. As it's an anthology movie, it does have a Creepshow feel to it. That's probably due to writers being George Ramero and Stephen King.

The new series Creepshow on Shudder starts off well with its first story Gray Matter, based on a short story by Stephen King in his book Night Shift. The segment starred Adrienne Barbeau who also starred in the story The Crate in the original movie.

The second story in the show, By the Silver Water of Lake Champlain was written by Stephen King's son, Joe Hill. 

Hill, by the way, played Billy in the opening and closing parts of the original 1982 movie. Otherwise, there's not much else I remember from watching the Shudder series.

I found the series more dull than scary. And often segments would start off captivating and end like a deflated balloon.

New cringy Creepshow stories for the big screen, from the masters of macabre storytelling, is something horror fans have wanted for a long time. 

The Black Cauldron (1985) - In this cinematic era of Disney's live-action remakes to their classic animated movies, The Black Cauldron should be among that list. A live-action treatment could be spectacular in special effects. Though the original animated movie fell flat on its face and seems like its been forgotten by most, the animation and imagery in the movie is very memorable.

With its $44 million budget, The Black Cauldron was the most expensive animated movie ever made at the time. But it grossed $21.3 million domestically, and was a big financial loss for Disney. 

The Black Cauldron earned the nickname, "the film that almost  killed Disney." Even The Care Bears Movie did better financially at the box office the same year. So, I can see why Disney executives might be apprehensive to make a live-action version of this movie, if its has ever even been considered. 

Maybe their initial mistake was making it animated. After all, their other animated movies are so different in style and tone. It is no doubt the darkest animated Disney movie to date. A live action platform, and better writing of course, may help redeem Disney for their mistake that is The Black Cauldron. It's a story that deserves a second chance as a reboot.

 

The Blob (1958, 1988) - The 1958 SciFi Horror movie The Blob (one of my personal favorite 50s movies) was Steve McQueens fourth movie, and his second credited movie. The 1988 remake was bloodier, scarier, and pretty good for a remake. 

But I'm interested in a new story that shows where these blobs come from. How would they fair attacking a modern society. What does their planet look like? Is it just covered in blob families? 

The 1958 movie ended *spoiler* with the U.S. Air Force carrying the blob to the frozen wasteland of the artic, where they drop it down so it'll remain there indefinitely. Freezing renders them immobile. The words "the end" appear and morph into a question mark. That's sequel material right there.

Should a modern version of The Blob be made, it could certainly draw audience's attention by making it a direct sequel to the 1958 movie. I think that might make it more appealing than just having another remake like the 1998 movie.

Since it's never establish what the blob is or where it came from, other than falling from the sky in a meteor, there's plenty of room for exploration. 

 

Clue (1985) - When I first saw the trailer to the 2019 movie Knives Out, I initially thought it was a remake of Clue before the title reveal. 

Clue is based on the board game of the same name, which was developed in 1944,and launched in 1949.

While the movie Clue is enjoyable overall, and has a great cast including Christopher Lloyd, Tim Curry, Eileen Brennan, Madeline Kahn, and Martin Mull, it still could use a writing uplift. 

As a teenager, I found this movie hilarious. As an adult, for some reason, it's just not as funny. I don't know why. I mean, it still has moments that make me laugh. Otherwise, it just seems to lack a little something. To me, the multiple endings make Clue come across as disjointed.

Whatever the case might be, I think a remake or reboot would suite the movie nicely. 

And while recent murder mystery movies such as Knives Out which did really well upon its release, and 2017's Murder on the Orient Express didn't do so badly, this may be a good time to see a remake of Clue. Murder mysteries never seem to go out of style.